where, oh, where do i begin? seriously…

what a year 2008 has been so far. such a rollercoaster, but that's the story of my life. i had it in my mind that when this year began, it would be a new chapter in my life-- leave all the bullshit behind & just enjoy the things & people in my life that make it worth living. a new year with my head held high, a cheesy smile on my face, & a little pep in my step. not a new year's resolution, a life's resolution.

while i'm a bit away from that very point, i'm striving to get there. but sometimes it seems no matter how much i put into being a better, much happier person, there is always something out there waiting to kick the life out of me. it's always been so easy for me to be this somber, negative, dark ball of energy, because, honestly, every single happy event in my life has as always been overshadowed by the exact opposite. instead of remembering & cherishing the good & great, i become immersed in all the bad & sad. it's difficult for me to forgive the things i can't forget. if i were a crayon, i'd be a glittery sparkly BEDAZZLED! black.

i think my stubbornness is ultimately what gets the best of me. and i think 60% of the time, i'm being stubborn without even knowing it. my inability to change & adjust to certain situations is proof of that. at the same time, that is one of many flaws that is such a big part of who i am, i'm afraid that if i change, i'll lose a part of me along with it. as fucked up as i am, it is who i am and i don't know how to be any other way.

i'm at such an awkward place in my life and i don't really know what to do about it. it's almost as if i'm having an early onset of a quarter-life crisis. i'm the happiest i've ever been-- i'm married to the most wonderful man in the world, i just found out i'm pregnant-- and something just isn't right about it. i feel like there's something lurking around the corner just waiting for the right time to swoop in and take it all away from me. that's the way it's always been; i'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

i try to tell myself that i can't live like that-- in fear of the worst happening-- but i've yet to be proved wrong. maybe that's all i really want-- to know that my life isn't all gloom and doom & that i can have that happily ever after. not in the fairytale sense, but just to live without so much heartache and pain and with a little peace of mind.

Labels: my love, this is who i am

--i refused to spellcheck @ 1:07 AM | |