usually, people like to guess what i'm mixed with, as if it's some sort of fun game. as offensive as it is, i'm used to it and i just add them to my 'ignorant dumbass' list.

last night, Jay forced me to go with him to some social gathering AGAIN. whenever we go to these things, i always look for the token black couple cause that means the token black wife is there and even though she's just as brutal as the others, i do a napoleon dynamite-style "yes!" to myself. it sucks being the youngest person, but it sucks even harder to be the only [half] black person. people, i live in the south. shit has changed, but not that much.

anyhoos, when we got to the house, i did my usual quick scan of the place. no black people. fuck me with a broom. and those bitches swooped in right away and pulled me to their side. gawd. why me?
it actually wasn't half-bad until that actor from prison break, Wentworth Miller, was the topic of conversation. they were all gushing about how hot he is and all i had to add to it was "he looks short and i don't go for short guys." seriously, HUGE turn-off for me. then one of them chimed in, "did you know he was part-Black?" that's when i just sat back and waited for it.

"Really?"
"I never would've guessed."
"He doesn't look like it."
"He hides it well."

he hides it well? i'm gonna punch this bitch in her mouth. where the fuck is Jay? i'm gonna hit her. what the fuck does she mean? hides it well?

"And that Jessica Alba. The father of her baby is half-Black."
"I thought he was Hispanic, but now that you mention it, I can see it. I wonder how that kid is gonna look."

oh just shoot me now. somebody, please, take me out now.

"Have any of you ever dated a Black man?"

what the fuck?! i am not sitting here? do these bitches not see me?

"Oh, God no."
"Nope. Never."
"No, i'm not really attracted to Black men but i've always wondered if the myth was true." *giggle*
"I couldn't imagine dating outside my race."

oh hell no. "What's wrong with dating outside your race?!"
"Oh come on, nobody's watching. You don't have to be so PC now."
"Excuse me?"
"It's just better if people stick with their own race. I get embarrassed for the ones I see carrying around those little mixed kids."
"Do you not realize you're talking to a mixed, HALF-BLACK, person?"
*collective gasp*
........
"I didn't know. I-I-I thought you were, you know.....white."

i had to get up and walk away because i knew if i'd sat at that table another second, i would've been pounding that bitch's face against the wall. she deserved it, and under different circumstances i probably would have done it. instead, i kept my cool, found my husband, and made him take me home.

it didn't really end there, though. as soon as we got in the car, "do I look white?"
"What?"
"Do. I. Look. White?"
"Huh? Well...."
"The fuck do you mean "well"."
"Well, you are pretty fair-skinned until you tan or use a tanning thing-bronzer-stuff."
"So, I look white?"
"That's not what I said. Don't be getting all pissed at me. I didn't do anything!"
"They thought I was white. This whole fucking time, they thought I was white."
"Okay?"
"You knew? You knew this whole fucking time?!"
"Stop putting words in my goddamn mouth! I didn't know anything! I just don't see what the big deal is!"
"One, don't fucking yell at me! Two, I don't even wanna talk to you anymore. Just get me home."


i'm really bothered by this. somewhat because i know this isn't an isolated event, this is just the one where someone actually said to my face "i thought you were white". but i'm bothered mostly because it took me back to when i was younger and being around other kids who wouldn't play or socialize with me because i didn't look like them. either i wasn't black enough or i wasn't white enough. i felt awkward with my own family because i thought i was the darkest and didn't think i looked anything like them. i went through this whole phase of self-hate because of that whole experience as a child. even though i got over it and have this on-going fake-battle with my sister about me having "pretty white girl hair", it took a long time for me to get to that point of being able to accept my "white features".

my kids are going to have this whole other family they'll probably never know because they're all bigots and it made me question whether or not Jay would be with me if i did have a much darker skin color. to be honest, i don't have an answer.

and then, there's a whole history of people passing for white just to be accepted and treated like a human being.

it's all just one big disgusting mess of social problems and i hate it. absolutely hate it.

and that asshole better not ever ask me to go to any of those stupid things ever again. they are banned from my group.

Labels: this is who i am

--i refused to spellcheck @ 1:30 PM | |