as the weeks fly by, i'm growing more and more and more anxious about having this little baby. after we lost Z, i wasn't sure how soon or late i'd be ready to get pregnant again or even if i wanted to have kids of my own. you never really get over a loss like that. it never gets better. it doesn't hurt any less than it did the day it happened, you just learn to live with it. then, i found out i was pregnant again. on the day that would've been Zoe's first birthday no less. while we were TTC, i was kinda hoping another baby would kinda take my focus off the one we lost and give me a little a relief from all the hurt and guilt i feel. i didn't/don't wanna forget about my Zoe, i just didn't/don't wanna be so wrapped up in all the negative emotions. i wish this wasn't true, but i took away a lot more negative memories than positive from that pregnancy. i know that's my fault and i really regret not appreciating my pregnancy more.

and now we've got little Ava on the way. everything is perfect. PER-FECT! seriously, sometimes i can't even comprehend it and this is my life. Jay and i have known each other for 15 years and i didn't even think it was possible for us to reach this point of solidarity in our relationship, quite honestly. but of course, i wouldn't be me if i wasn't apprehensive and didn't question what the universe has in store for me. i've actually had the pessimism under control for a while now. i've had a few negative thoughts here and there, but nothing like it used to be. uh huh. growth? maturation? i see ya. of course, when i feel like i'm almost a butterfly--i'm poking my head out of the chrysalis, the transformation is almost complete- my mind starts fucking with me.

i know it's just the hormones and i should expect crazy, scary, crazy-scary dreams, but the one i had wednesday night just shook me to the core. it was so real that even after i woke up, i was still crying and screaming. Jay said it took him a solid minute to get me to snap out of it. after two weeks of having dreams of the same theme- me losing another baby- it's got me worried but more frustrated than anything else. it's like when you're building a house of cards or a sand castle and some chubby, snot-nose, mouth-breathing little asshole of a kid comes over and knocks it down. all that hard work. but the frustrating thing is, i'm that kid building the house of cards and i'm that evil little fucker that comes over to stomp all over my hard work like the fucking hulk.

HULK MAD! HULK SMASH!

i am truly my own worst enemy.
--i refused to spellcheck @ 1:54 PM | |