so, things around here have been a little more busy/hectic/complicated than i anticipated. between traveling with Jay, making nice with "the suits" & their wives, trying to keep things in order at home and with my family, i don't know where one day ends and the next begins. i'm actually supposed to be in D.C. with Jay right now, but i had to sit this one out since i haven't been feeling well the past few days. i do miss him terribly, though. the good thing is this is only a one-day trip. yays.

i am.....actually Jay is [cause i'm technologically-challenged and mess up things even worse when i touch them] still working on getting our pics uploaded but as of right now, the only ones we've been able to retrieve are the nudies [and as much as i love y'all, there's no way in hell i'm putting that shit on the internet], random brasilieros we encountered, & random carnaval stuff. he got some of the wedding stuff, but none are really good shots. he seems to think there's no way to retrieve the corrupt files and that we should just have a professional shoot to recreate the whole thing, but i risked getting my brains blown out for that damn thing. I WANT MY GODDAMN PICTURES!!!

because we have quite possibly the most incompetent lawyer ever, we're still not really clear as to whether our nuptials in sao paulo are recognized as legal here. so, we're just gonna go downtown and for a civil ceremony just to be on the safe side in mid-april. i'd like to do it next month, but apparently the ncaa tourney/march madness is more important. i really did want a [small, but nice] traditional wedding with our family & close friends, but that's never gonna happen. ::sad face::

and i'm learning that when you're with/married to someone who works in the corporate world, you're married to that world too. i thought i could get away with only having to show up to formal dinners here and there. arm candy. trophy wife. whatever you wanna call it.

nope.
nuh uh.

i don't know how these bitches got my phone number & email address, but they have it and they USE it. there really is this whole other world of "the wives". i got a little glimpse of it as a girlfriend, but in just 2 weeks they've managed to suck me all the way in.

i don't really like it. or them. i honestly think i'm the only one who didn't marry for money and that scares me. this one wife actually said "i really didn't want 4 kids, but you know, the more you have, the more you get in the divorce" and cackled like a hyena.

'pre-nup' is a very, very dirty word and don't you ever use it in the presence of these women.

i feel so out of place. they all meet for "girl time" three times a week and have get-togethers every weekend. fuck that. i don't know you hoes. i shop with my gays, have my own "girl days" by myself, and i don't do botox.

i know i have my moments of shallow- & pretentiousness, but these bitches are shallow & pretentious ALL the time. if they're not talking about how much something of theirs cost or what they're planning to buy, they're trying to get all up in my shit asking about Jay's & my financial affairs. my response to that is "honey, you're not privy to that information." i'm sure they'd frown & flare their nostrils up at me if any of them could move their face. and why don't these clownfucks know it's rude to inquire about when other people are planning to have kids??? that is none of your business unless i offer you that bit of information.

OOOOHHHH!! those sumbitches have some bad ass kids. terrorists in training. you know those kids you see in the grocery store and/or at the mall who don't listen, throw tantrums, and kick & scream like somebody's trying to kill them? that's them. i didn't find this out until a couple days ago, but Jay picked a weekend for us to host one of those get-togethers for march madness. i just know i'm gonna fuck up one of those little bastards. they are gonna try and destroy my house.

ick. i don't really know how to describe it. this is where Jay & i are very different-- Jay grew up in this kind of world so he fits right in-- he knows exactly what to say & when to say it & all that good stuff. my dad kept his family life & business life very much separated so any exposure to that life i have comes from being with Jay. he's very much the business-type and into applied mechanics, while i'm more of the investigatory, theoretical type. i will say that the wives know [or at least pretend very well to know] what the hell their husbands are talking about when it's business-related, while i am clearly uncomfortable & confused about what the hell was just said. hello, social science degree.

it makes sense when i think about it, but maybe not so much when i write it. but anyhooters, Jay told me it's not a big deal, not to feel bad about it, and that he actually likes that i don't try to pretend like i know something when i don't. in fact, one of things he loves most about me is that i've never tried to pretend that i'm something i'm not. ::happy face::

i'm just waiting for this other couple to get hitched so that i have someone around my age and i actually like to mingle with cause this is cruel & unusual punishment. for serious.

*

you know, it's been almost a year since we had [and lost] Zoe. Jay and i were talking about it last night and he said if things were different i'd be driving him crazy planning her first birthday party a la vicki from real housewives. [he secretly LOVES that show but you didn't hear it from me.] but yeah, it really doesn't feel like it's been that long. not a day goes by that i don't think of her and still wonder how in just a matter of hours the happiest day of my life turned into the worst. there really are no words to describe the pain & agony of losing a child, especially your first-born. and i still can't eat anything from taco bell or have an oreo mcflurry without turning into a blubbering mess.

but i've made it this far, right?

Labels: my love, this is who i am

--i refused to spellcheck @ 1:39 PM | |

this weekend, Jay and i went to visit the parents. [notice how i didn't say 'we went home for the weekend'?] the point was to tell our families that we got married & maybe try to start mending some deeply wounded relationships.

well, let's just say that Jay's folks are 2-for-2 at ruining happy occasions for us.

even though i had issues with his dad and later his mom, i was always an advocate for Jay continuing his relationship with the both of them; i wanted my dealings [or lack thereof] with them to be separate from his, and i constantly pushed for him to re-establish the connection he had with them before the big falling out. now, i don't even think they're worth the effort. they've been so fucking selfish throughout this whole thing. if they stopped for one second to think about how their words & actions have affected him, THEIR SON, they'd be ashamed to call themselves parents.

for the longest time, i questioned what i did wrong to deserve the kind of treatment i've gotten from those people. that trip made me realize it's not me. i'm not perfect by any means, but i've been a pretty damn good friend, girlfriend, fiance, & now wife to Jay flaws-and-all. if they can't see that by now, there's no hope for them. it's extremely frustrating & unfortunate because they're family, but i'm no longer going to put any thought or effort into being a part of those people's lives when it's perfectly clear i'm not wanted. and i'm not going to try and force Jay to make amends with people who are only going to fight him the whole way. i'm done. MOTHERFUCKIN DONE! [i'm screamed that last part in my head as i was typing it, so you should go back & read it that way. =)]

in other news, i'm enjoying newlyweddedness waaayyyy more than i probably should be. i've turned into such a sap. & i smile so much my face hurts. i'm pretty sure this a temporary thing, but i find myself not being able to stay mad at Jay for more than 30 seconds. everytime he does something to piss me off, i'm just like 'awwww, he's my husband now!' in my little country bumpkin voice. & we're definitely humping like rabbits again.

we're in the process of uploading wedding/honeymoon pics. it's taking longer than expected & probably my fault. i think when i snatched the memory card out of the camera i may have damaged it because as we're uploading pics, some of them are listed as corrupt files but when we view them in the one of our other cameras, they're fine.

& there are soooooo many things about the entire trip to write about. i could make a whole other blog on that alone. not that i will. just sayin. i should point out the fact that i had absolutely nothing to do with the entire thing. seriously. Jay, a MAN, planned the whole thing. it would've been a complete surprise if it weren't for the whole getting a visa thing. he kinda needed me for that. but yeah, the whole getting married in brasil was all his idea. i'd kinda gotten comfy with the idea of us just being together as we were-- getting married wasn't really high on my 'to do' list.

since we've been back, we've only been at our house 2 days so things are still quite hectic. we haven't unpacked; too many emails & phone calls to return; Jay goes back to work tomorrow; i'm meeting with someone about possibly starting a business together; planning another wedding; more grad school interviews for Jay [for those who care, he's been accepted to 3 schools so far. although, he's still not sure if or where he's gonna go.]; just lots of organized chaos.

i think by the middle or end this week things will have settled down a bit & i'll get to post pics & write about the most amazing 3 weeks of my life.


go hug a homeless person.

Labels: my love, this is who i am

--i refused to spellcheck @ 1:13 AM | |

just got home from brasil only to come back to CHAOS and i'm too fucking exhausted to deal with any of it.
why, oh why, did we have to come baaaaccckkkkk???

the next several days will be quite busy, but fun stories & pictures coming soon; including the story of how i spent 20 minutes AT GUNPOINT yelling at trying to explain to some rufioes brasileiro that they could have my camera just not the memory card with my goddamn wedding & honeymoon pictures on it, allthewhile getting yelled at by Jay for yelling at the dudes robbing us.

yeah.
we were robbed.
in muthafuckin brasil.

there should be a law that states, 'YOU CANNOT ROB SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T SPEAK THE SAME LANGUAGE AS YOU, YOU STUPID BITCH!!!!'

oh, & my husband thinks i forgot, but i clearly remember hearing "i didn't get married for this shit!"
not gonna lie.....i contemplated chopping his dick off, shoving that ring down his throat, & leaving his ass for dead after saying that......but he licks my giney pretty well........soooo......

how y'all doin'?

[ETA 1:30am] i totally thought this man was joking when he said the first thing he was gonna do when we got home was watch the superbowl

he wasn't.
not even a little bit.



i don't think you quite understand......this bitch is watching the SUPERBOWL. RIGHT. NOW.


i know he's a boy.
and i know he missed the superbowl.
but it was TWO WEEKS AGO.

AND

he already knows who won.


what kind of fuckery is this????

Labels: my love, this is who i am

--i refused to spellcheck @ 12:24 AM | |

dude.
i'm on my honeymoon.
in muthafuckin brazil.
or brasil.
neither of us knows one fucking word of portugeuse.
but i can samba my little ass off.
every person, place, thing i've seen in sao paulo and rio is fucking GORGEOUS.
even with all the rain.
i can't even comprehend this fuckery.
and did you know these sumbitches in rio NEVER sleep?
i bullshit you not, it's mardifuckinggras in brasil.
i don't even know what the day is.
oh, we won't actually be "legally" married until we get back to the states.
just being here trumps all that shit so i don't really care about the legalities and technicalities.
now, we're off to get some dinner before another night of fun fun fun.




"babe, we're gonna get lost in the muthafuckin rainforest. ssome real life blue lagoon shit. oh shit, look! it's toucan sam!" --Jay

Labels: my love, this is who i am

--i refused to spellcheck @ 7:14 PM | |