i am so damn tired. it looks like ava's going through a growth spurt so there's no sleeping and lots of nursing. i'd gotten so used to how scheduled she is that this shit is really taking me for a ride. and she's so stinkin fussy. i think she's cussing at me because it's not like her normal cry and i can't say that i appreciate her tone right about now. the moms know that fuss i'm talking about-- no tears, just a bunch of yelling. some days, 5:30 just cannot get here fast enough. [that's usually the time daddy gets home from work.

there's this dance class i really wanna join. for one, it'll help me get back in shape. i've lost pretty much all of my pregnancy weight but i have almost no tone at all. i'm just all fleshy and nasty-feeling. secondly, i get to dance again. i can't even remember the last time i went to a studio to shake what my mama gave me. buuuuuutttttt, it is unbelievably hard for me to leave my little girl. if you saw my hair and my cuticles you'd know i'm not bullshitting. one of my christmas gifts from Jay was a day at the spa to be all pampered and whatnot and that shit pissed me off. what the fuck am i gonna do with a day at the spa when i'm not even capable of taking out the trash or going to get the mail without feeling i've abandoned and neglected my child? oh yes, the shit is that fucking serious. i can't even pee or take a shit without that little girl being in my view. the only time i'm even slightly comfortable with not being with her is when i'm asleep and she's with her daddy, her aunt, or my mom. those are the three people who spend the most time with her besides myself. i am completely aware i've already started the mental damage that will have her in therapy for years.

speaking of therapy, over the christmas holiday, my father contacted me to begin "working on our relationship" and to meet the fussybutt. i can't lie, i was pretty fucking annoyed he waited THIS GODDAMN LONG for a fucking phone call. i mean, there was that whole time i was pregnant with ava. oh, i got married too. i was pregnant before that and my baby died. i got engaged some time before that. i graduated from college with honors somewhere in between. oh, i almost died in a car accident. did i mention i met your bastard children once? i think one of those events would've been a good time to call or send an email or something. just sayin.
i'm still very bitter about a lot of things but we are talking, which is better than not talking i suppose and littleface did get to meet her abuelo. i got the cutest picture of her littlefatface that i wanna post so badly but my husband thinks you're all sexual predators and/or babynappers and gets pissed like you wouldn't believe every time i ask him about posting pictures of her. he's still not over me posting that last little picture of her and that i haven't removed it yet. he's a dickfart like that. that's my man, though.

for the record, it took me exactly one hour to write this. everyone give ava-marie a round of applause for refusing to nap more than 30 minutes for the third consecutive day. this is a personal record for the little bugger.

Labels: littleface

--i refused to spellcheck @ 3:16 PM | |