oh, i'm so glad it's the weekend. Jay is home and he gets to take over and handle fussyface while i RELAX. oh my goodness, she is so spoiled. the past 2 days she's wanted nothing but to be held and be entertained. i can get with that because i just love to sit and love on her. however, there comes a time of the day when i need a solid 15 minutes to myself to take a shit and i wanna be left alone to do just that. i don't get all up in her space when she's frowning and grunting and stinking up the place.

first, mountain dew and chicken and dumplings do not mix. they just don't. don't get all curious and try to experience that shit for yourself; it's not even worth it, mmkay? typically, i get all of my necessities taken care of before Jay leaves for work, when ava's napping, and when Jay gets home from work. shower, eating, sleeping, and shitting.

today was no different. lunchtime. ava's alseep. 'ooh, Jay forgot to take his lunch to work. hey, i don't have to cook!' i usually don't eat leftovers but i made the best chicken and dumplings ever known to mankind last night. there's no way i was throwing that out. anyhoos, just as i'm finishing up my last dumpling and last sip of the dew, i hear the fussyface over the monitor. 'fuck, i didn't even get to lick the bowl.' i know i'm greedy. don't judge me.

so, i go to kiss those little crocodile tears away, change her diaper, nibble on her fat cheeks and she's my little happyface girl. that's when i felt it. the bubbleguts. somebody just launched war on dumplings in my stomach and it was not gonna be pretty.

ok.
think fast.

i put her in the walker with the little noisemakers and spinny things.
not having it.

ok, the swing. she loves the swing and it plays music.
what? the hell is wrong with you?

baby einstein dvds are downstairs and i'm not gonna make it that far.

so, i bring the walker with the noisemakers and the spinny things into the bathroom and plop her little ass in that seat. more crying. and i'm seeing that she starts crying before her ass ever touches the seat. i lean over to put her down, she cries.

"ava-marie taylor [last name], i have a situation i need to take care of immediately. don't do this to me now!" she laughed at me. and it was a malicious, evil laugh. like she knew i had to go and she was gonna do everything she could to prevent me from relieving myself of the hostile situation going on in my intestines.

so, i just said 'fuck it' and plopped my ass on the toilet and let it go. i'd never heard sounds like that come from my own body and i've given birth twice. and that smell? no words, people. no words. i sat there with my asshole exploding while holding my 5-month old who's looking at me like 'bitch, are you serious?' but it doesn't end there. nooooo, then, i had to wipe my ass while holding my 5-month old who's now just decided that this was the perfect time to try some new houdini-style escape tactics.

man, i swear if she had a few more years on her...... i'd drop 'the people's elbow' on her a couple of times.

5:27pm
daddy's home
"she's all yours until i have to feed her. until then, i don't know either of you. good day."

it's been a little over 2 hours and i've managed to have a much deserved glass of wine, a long, hot bubble bath, give myself a quick pedicure, and wax my no-no parts. AND i'm pretty sure that's a 9:00 bedtime i see in my future.

oh yeah, this is the life.

Labels: littleface, my love, so random, weekend stuff

--i refused to spellcheck @ 7:32 PM | |