my bellybutton itches. i don't know if that's because it's naturally all nasty and stank in there or because Jay jizzed in it and i've still got little soldiers trying to find the light. i've pretty much let him cum on every part of my body and the bellybutton has to be the most unpleasant location. for real, dude? ew.

tonight, i am going out with some frienemies for the first time in like a year. i spent almost four hours doing my hair and another two hours trying to decide what to wear. my husband has not spoken a single word to me since i finished getting ready twenty minutes ago, so i'm pretty sure i look fucking fabulous.

i will drink many, many alcoholic beverages, dance like white people, be a cocktease, and maybe even beat up a bitch or two. i wouldn't be surprised if i had the right to remain silent by the end of the night. i'm also gonna conveniently leave my phone in my purse which will be in the trunk of the car of whomever the designated driver is. i mean, i know i'm gonna call home like a bazillion times, i just don't want to be the one receiving the calls because Jay will make me feel guilty about going out and leaving my babyface at home even though he does it several nights a week and i don't even bother complaining about it. i don't care. i'm going out. i'm gonna drink. i'm gonna dance. i'm gonna make bitches hate me. i'm gonna be mimi, not mommy.

then, i'm going to taco bell.
--i refused to spellcheck @ 10:27 PM | |

i know i'm a few days late, but my little muffin, you are 8 months old now. you have become such a handful but i love every moment of it. you are quite the little talker just babbling away to me, your daddy, all of your little stufties, and every person you encounter. people always comment on how bubbly you are, but they've obviously never seen you when it's naptime, bathtime, when you're getting your little head of hair fixed, or when i have to take my cellphone away from you.

i know i kinda missed updating last month but we had so much going on it was pretty difficult to find time to do so. during our trip to mem.phis to take care of your grandma, you had such a hard time adjusting to your new surroundings and i felt so bad for you. daddy being away for some time didn't help much either. it was a learning experience though, because now i know being in the comfort of your own home makes you happy.

and now that we're all back home, you're back to being the little busy-body you are! the funny thing is, as much as you like to move around, crawling does not seem to be on your list of priorities. you roll all around and it's the most hilarious thing in the world to you. you seem so determined to walk that i believe you're gonna skip right over crawling. even though i would rather you stay my sweet little drooling angelface forever, i actually do wanna see you crawl. those types of milestones are important to me, little one. whenever i put you on your belly and try to get you on all fours, you instantly plop down on your belly and scream bloody murder before realizing you know how to roll over! when you're on your back, sitting up with your toys, or standing up against something you're the happiest baby in the world! even though i wasn't supposed to let you start walking in your walker as soon as i did, little momma, you can get down. running over my feet seems to be your specialty.

you recently acquired some little teefasis and i'm sad to say that you are slowly weening yourself from the boob. you have no idea how much that breaks my heart, littleface. i know i've kinda encouraged it by you giving you your first sippy cup and letting you have tastes of table food here and there. plus, we found some organic baby foods you actually like. your pickiness with food is definitely something you get from me because you know your daddy will eat just about anything. but can we hang on to nursing just a little while longer?

even though you're becoming more and more self-sufficient, i love that you still enjoy spending quiet moments cuddling with me and falling asleep in my arms. i know it won't be long before you'll be thinking i'm your worst enemy hindering you from doing whatever you want and you'll be set on getting away from me as soon as you're legal. just remember this: i have nekkid pictures of you and i am not beneath blackmail.

i love you more and more everyday, kiddo,

momma


p.s. would it kill you to say "mama" just once?
--i refused to spellcheck @ 10:31 AM | |

monday. oh, monday.

it's almost 11. littleface and i are still in our pajamas. i was gonna take her to the park later on but i don't really feel like doing much today. we've been having the funkiest weather so of course it means i have to get sick. i just hope the little one doesn't get sick too.

my little angel said her first [real] word last week.

"dada".

at first, i was all excited because she finally said a word that wasn't a bunch of vowels accompanied by spit and slobber. but that is so not fucking fair! i change the diapers, i do the nursing, i go to battle with this kid when it's time to do her hair. oh yes, we battle but i'll get to that in a minute. he kisses one fucking booboo and of a sudden he's "dada". what kind of fuckery?! ugh. gawd.

so, along with me coming to grips with this shit, i'm having to come to terms with the fact that my little angel is seriously testing me and will be getting some discipline in her life very soon. al-fucking-ready. she has issues with getting her hair combed and brushed and me putting little headbands and shit on her; she's got white people's hair so that's all i can really do with it. i'm scared to do pigtails and ponytails because i'm scared of pulling out her hair. shut up. you don't even know.

anyhoos, this started a little while ago, but typically it was only when i was trying to put a headband on or clip on a barrette. she'd get to wiggling and try to pull away from me and i thought it was the cutest shit. now, this little midget is yanking the shit off her head, pulling her hair and throwing tantrums. i'm like, 'is this shit supposed to be happening this soon?' then, i'm crying and googling shit because i don't know what the fuck i'm doing and if i'm doing it wrong and this child has taken me to a whole other place. Jay thinks this is the funniest shit in the world because she only does the tantrums with me. "she looks like me, but that's all you." fuck you, asshole. ugh. but it's so fucking true. as the months go by and all of this personality is surfacing, i'm seeing that she's truly the pint-sized version of me. it's pretty fucking scary.

and we're actually trying for another baby. the hell is wrong with me?
--i refused to spellcheck @ 10:50 AM | |

ava is in this phase of what i like to call "discovering her voice". she's making all these new sounds with different pitches and ranges, some not so easy on the eardrums, but it's actually pretty funny to watch as she makes these crazy faces to go along with these new sounds.

i really wish i had the camera on to catch her in a little moment not long ago. while i was at the fridge trying to think of what to cook for dinner, i had littlebits sitting in her high chair with some of her toys. usually, she just knocks everything down so i can pick them up over and over again, but this time, she just sat quietly watching me talk myself while i was opening and shutting the fridge door. then, all of a sudden i hear "oooh ooh ooh! bah bah bah! oooh ooh ooh!" i turn to look at her and she's rocking/bouncing in her chair with her hands in the air "oooh ooh ooh! bah bah bah! ooh ooh! aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!!!" like she's a goddamn monkey. but as she kept on doing it, it looked and sounded kinda familiar. and i started to wonder to myself, 'self, has this little girl seen her dad and i having sex?' i mean, i'm pretty sure we've never done it with her in the room, but that quickly went from super cute to just plain weird.

and i still don't know what we're having for dinner.
--i refused to spellcheck @ 4:17 PM | |

i am having a very happy mother's day. Jay has declared this my day off. i don't have to do anything until ava gets hungry cause he "ain't got no milk in [his] titties." silly boy. he's so sweet though. after some morning nookie, he happily rolled out of bed to get littleface up for the day. he gave her a bath and got her smelling all good before serving me a delicious breakfast in bed- a big ol' belgian waffle drenched in butter and butter-flavored syrup with scrambled eggs and fresh fruit. oh, and he and littleface made the cutest card that makes me all misty-eyed every time i look at it. for lunch we had a nice little picnic in our front yard with some yummy sammiches from this awesome deli/pizzeria joint. ah, it's the little things. it's so nice spending the day at home relaxing with my family; i'm the happiest when it's just us three with nothing from the outside bothering us.

even with the things going on with both of our families, i'm still really happy. i have an amazing husband who wants to do nothing but love and take care of me and our beautiful daughter. i used to let so many other things control my life to the point that it almost destroyed me. now, i'm at the other extreme where i don't really care about anything that isn't about Jay or Ava.

like now, i'm gonna be very rude and end this post pretty abruptly because we're all about to take a nap together. i don't even care how lame that is.
--i refused to spellcheck @ 3:39 PM | |

it feels soooo good to be back home. in my house. in MY bed w/ my littleface [and her 2 little teeth!] and hubby. not in a stinkin, filthy hospital. it took nearly a month, but my mom is doing a lot better. both the sepsis and pneumonia have cleared and she was just taken off the ventilator a couple of days ago, but she still has to go through dialysis everyday until her kidneys are back to functioning somewhere near "normal". there are a few other ailments she'll have to overcome, but none too serious.... i don't think.

i wish i could say my brother finally agreed to get some help, but no. still a junkie and doesn't plan to quit anytime soon. he feels useless, like he has no purpose in life. broken. the drugs are his escape. those were his words. i don't know how or why he got to that point of existence, but i know all too well what it feels like. i just wish so badly he would just let me save him from whatever it is that's taken over his soul.

with all that's going on, my mind is one big clusterfuck of words, thoughts, feelings, that make no sense. i had actually intended to update this thing many times over the past few weeks, but i only ended up with a dozen or so drafts with random, nonsensical, incomplete gibberish.

gibberish. or is it jibberish?
--i refused to spellcheck @ 10:06 AM | |