oh my gawd, i'm so fucking bloated. i've never looked forward to taking a shit as much as i do right now. i eat way too goddamn much. i've eaten so much this weekend that Jay actually told me i needed to stop. "every time i look up, you're putting food in your mouth. i don't think you're supposed to be eating that much, geez." i'd feel bad if i were eating unhealthy food, but almost everything i eat is healthy. i just don't know when to stop eating. the little nugget seems to like black walnut ice cream loaded with whipped cream and butterscotch syrup, so that's my daily indulgence. yummy in my tummy. i need to eat a big, fat, juicy mango so i can go take a shit.

i've been trying to get lits ready for having another baby in the house so i went out and bought one of those life-like baby dolls that you feed and change and it cries and shit. *sigh* i hope that kid is nicer when we actually do have the new baby because she is not going for this shit. she throws the baby, hits the baby, tries to eat the baby....she's just mean. and she gets very territorial when i'm holding the baby or doing anything with it; i think that's kinda cute though. if i'm holding the baby, she'll crawl over to me, push the baby away, sit in my lap, and lay her head on my chest and want to cuddle. if i'm holding them together, she hits it. it's not going the way i wanted. i was kinda stressing about it but why bother when it's just a doll. i'm sure she'll be better once she has her real baby brother or sister around. pfft. 2 under 2. what the fuck was i thinking?

my 16 week check up is in a few days. i get to pee in a cup and get stuck with needles. woohoo! i'm only anticipating listening to the little nugget's heartbeat. the monitor-doppler thingy we have here at home isn't really picking up much, but s/he's been giving me little nudges here and there to let me know s/he's okay in there. i wish we could find out if it's a boy or girl at this checkup instead of having to wait another 4 weeks. with Z and lits, i knew they were girls before the doctors ever told me, but with this one, i have no clue. i don't care either way, i'm just ready to find out.

i'm also really stoked about lits' 1st birthday and her party. 2 words: HELLO KITTY! *girly squeal* Jay's giving me the evil eye right now. haha. he's cute. where the hell is my mango, dude?!
--i refused to spellcheck @ 7:38 PM | |

my little ava-bug,

my goodness, how you've grown and become quite the little helper. you love to help me and daddy cook and you love trying new foods. i love the faces you make and how you smack your lips when you try something new. you also try to help out with folding laundry. although your idea of helping is snatching the clothes from their neat little pile and placing them in a circle around you. then, you lie down on the clothes and say "night night" and giggle like crazy. oh, i love to hear you laugh; it's the sweetest sound a mother can hear.

you're still not walking on your own but you'll take steps when i hold your hands and you take little steps from the table to the sofa, but only because they're so close together. crawling isn't so bad because you always get where you're trying to go. you're ALWAYS on the go. but i would like to see you walking by your birthday. that would be so special.

you've almost completely weaned yourself off the boob....and it hurts my heart. you typically nurse when you wake up in the morning and before bedtime. occasionally, you pitch a fit during the day or in the middle of night and try to rip off my shirt and fucking maul my boobs, but that's pretty rare nowadays. now, you've got your sippy cup and i have to use that stinkin' breast pump. you LOVE your sippy cup. so much that you sleep with it. with your butt in the air. i love that.

you cut some new teeth and i didn't even notice until i had to dig some boogers out of your nose and you were screaming bloody hell at me. bathtime is soooooo much easier now that i've let you take baths in the "big girl tub" with all your toys and let you splash everywhere. and it's so cute when you try to wash your little hoohoo. oh yes, it's on tape and when you're older, i will show it every time you have friends over. it's only because i love you so much.

i'm still getting used to having to discipline you when you do something wrong. it's so hard because you look at me with those eyes and poke your lip out and sniffle "no-no". i feel so bad for hurting your feelings but i know if it's not handled now, it never will be. your daddy doesn't make it any easier either. he lets you get away with everything and you know it. i know there are days when i've said "no-no" so much that you're looking at the door wondering 'where the hell is my daddy cause this bitch is ill.'

i'm so intrigued by you, littleface. every day i look at you and think "wow, this is my little girl. my little angel." you're so smart and happy and just perfect. every day is a great day because i have you in my life. i don't know what i'd do if i couldn't stay home with you every day just watching you grow and learn and become your own person. i love you, littleface.

always & forever,

mommy
--i refused to spellcheck @ 9:55 PM | |

i feel old. i have never looked forward to 9:00pm so much since i became a mom. at this point, i don't even care if ava's awake at 9, i'm taking my ass to bed. that little girl has worn me out; she's such a busy little person. always into something.

my niece spent the weekend with us and i took her shopping for everything she needed for school. i still can't get over this kid being 8 years old in the 6th grade. she's way too smart for her age. anyhoos, i did not know it was tax-free weekend along with the weekend before the start of school, so everybody and their mama was out shopping. ugh. i already can't stand people just because i think most people are stupid, but the very second i became a mom, i became a germaphobe. don't touch me. don't breathe near me. don't even look at me. i am not trying to get that swine flu. oh, the swine flu. three people at Jay's work got that shit and i thought we were all going to die. i should have stock in lysol and clorox with all the cleaning and disinfecting that was done around here. but i digress.

back to shopping. there was a time when i enjoyed shopping. trying on clothes, looking at myself all pretty-like in the mirror, frivolously spending my husband's money. i don't really like it anymore. nope. not when i have to shop with an 8 year-old smart-mouth know-it-all on one side and a 10 month old getting into all kinds of shit on the other. "ooh, tia, that is not her size. she knows better than coming out in public wearing too little clothes. her mama should whoop her ass." "tia, the little girls' section is over there. why do we have to be in the baby section when she already got new clothes at home? i thought we were supposed to be shopping for ME."

and ava-marie. not only does she have to say "hey" to everyone that passes her but she will raise all up and out of her stroller and yell "HEY!" until you wave or answer back to her. she's also a little klepto. almost everytime we left a store, i got beeped at or stopped by security because that child had put something in her stroller and had the nerve to get pissy with me when i gave back the STOLEN item. i still don't know how she was getting all that shit!

finally, after 4 hours of that fuckery, we headed home. my niece promptly popped in her spongebob dvd, ava had her sippy cup and her blankie, and put on that new maxwell. i just knew both of them would fall asleep before i even pulled out of the parking lot. and they did. i'm cruising along, home is just a couple of miles ahead and i'm imagining how good a long warm bath and my new silk pajamas are gonna feel, when ava starts wailing like i've never heard before. i knew something was wrong but i couldn't pull over because there's nowhere to stop along the road we live. i tried to coach my niece on what to do to calm her down but nothing worked. when we get home, i didn't even pull into the garage, i just jumped out of the car to see what was wrong. as soon as i lifted ava from the car seat, she threw up all over me. some pasty, lumpy, sour, sticky crud. it was like nothing i'd even seen before. that silly niece of mine went screaming in the house "JAY, THE BABY'S DYING! YOU GOTTA GO HELP MY TIA!" it's so fucking hilarious when i think about it now, but it freaked Jay the fuck out, especially since he had been drinking. but like the awesome husband/daddy he is, he comes running out "what the hell happened?!" i'm just like 'ugh, do you not smell me right now?' after he took ava in, i looked around the back seat to see what the hell could she have possibly eaten to make her sick like that so fast. all she had was that apple juice and a small piece of a soft pretzel earlier. then, i saw the pack of gum i'd bought for my niece on the floor with a nice chunk of cardboard package bitten from it. thankfully, she threw it all up just as fast as she'd eaten it. and i was really proud of myself for not freaking out and making the whole situation a lot worse, cause i have a tendency to do just that.

it's those moments when i have to step up with my A-game i feel like i'm not doing such a terrible job as mom.

i'm so ready for bed.
--i refused to spellcheck @ 8:33 PM | |

i say that way more often than i would like to. "ava-marie, that's a no-no!" "no-no, ava!" and most recently, "AVA! NOOOO!!" around 2 am, i could hear ava making grunting noises. i figured she was just tossing and turning in her sleep and didn't think anything of it. about 30 seconds later, i hear her screaming at the top of her lungs. Jay and i both hop out of the bed and run to her room where we find her dangling off the side of her crib holding on for dear life. that little girl is just itching to break her face, i swear. but it was the cutest thing when her daddy scooped her up, she looked over at me, shook her little head and said "no-no. no-no, mama."

so much for me being the disciplinarian.
--i refused to spellcheck @ 10:21 AM | |

i love love LOVE weekends. ava tends to sleep in after a long night of playtime with her daddy while mommy gets some extra special morning nookie. when i'm finally ready to roll out of bed, Jay has already given Ava her bath and snapped her into a onesie and they're in the kitchen making breakfast. he can finally make french toast without burning it! i just love watching those two interact; that man was totally meant to be a father. when he's with his little girl, you know that she is the only thing in the world that matters to him; he'd move the earth if she asked. it makes my heart smile.
--i refused to spellcheck @ 9:59 AM | |