my little cuddlebug,

this past month has been really rough for you. daddy just up and left and you have lost your rabid-assed mind. i forgive you 'cause you're so damn cute. we have good days and we have some bad ones. i love the days when you're just so happy, giggling and trying your best to run before face-planting into the wall. i can't help but to laugh every time i see you run. those little fat legs. i could just eat you up. but here's a tip: LOOK AHEAD!

you talk so much on your happy days. whenever you want my attention, you scoot over next to me, look up at me with those big ol' brown eyes, and pat me on the leg, "mama". your favorite phrase seems to be "unh-tum" [i want some] and you stick your little hand out begging for whatever i've got. you have quite an apetite to be so damn little. you also point out everything before you go get it "mama, noo!" [mama, look!] and attempt to destroy it. a lot of the time you babble to yourself and i wonder if you've got some imaginary friends or if you're just talking to yourself. either way, i love it. my bouncy, giggly, HULK SMASHing little ava-bug.

then, we have those days where i'm convinced you're possessed with something beyond demonic. you cry and scream and kick and hit and pull and smack and bite and i just don't know what to do but look at you. you don't have too many more free passes for pulling my hair, though. if you were not my child.....you could not be my child. all this hoodrat shit. i don't where all of that attitude comes from either. *sarcasm* i give you way too much slack because i know you're missing your daddy and you get tired of looking at me and me not letting you do everything you want, so you're acting out. i miss him too, sweetpea. but don't think i'm not keeping track of how many ass-whoopings i owe you.

you don't sleep well at all in your crib so i just let you sleep wherever you pass out, which is usually MY bed. i'm not sure how that's gonna work when your daddy does get back, but fuck, i can't be rolling and waddling out of bed every couple of hours because you're screaming like somebody's trying to kill ya. mama's carrying some extra weight right now and i ain't so quick and agile on my feet nowadays.

i've been seriously thinking about putting a bell around your neck. twice in one day i lost you somewhere in this house. one minute you're trying to stick the keys in the dog's asshole, the next, i have no fucking clue where you are. you're a goddamn ninja.

you have also deceived me in the most awful way. when you were born, you had jet black hair wrapped around your tiny little head. then, after a couple of months it got a bit lighter and very straight. i was pretty pissed at how strong your daddy's genes are but i got over it pretty fast once i realized that was actually a good thing because i wouldn't have to go to war with a head full of kinky hair everyday. but goddamn you! i don't know how the fuck it happened, but one morning i woke up and you had curly motherfucking hair. i had to practically put your little ass in a straight jacket just to get a damn headband on top of your head. now, i actually have to comb and brush and moisturize this shit. i have my own hair to deal with. why would you do that to me? stop being so selfish.

oh! i almost forgot! you're riding face-forward in your carseat now. this is such a big deal for you. you get to see so much more and you have such a curious look on your face whenever we're riding. when i turn the music up you start kicking your little legs along to the beat. it's so freakin adorable.

you've had quite a few play dates and you've surprised me with how well you play with other kids.....most of the time. there are times when you're not in the mood to share and you just start fucking swinging on everyone, but i feel the same way sometimes too, kid. i can't really blame you for that one. but you just talk and talk and play until you can't play anymore. i don't know what the fuck you're saying most of the time, but you seem to have some intense coversations with those other kids. i was kinda worried about you not liking other kids but as it turns out, you just don't like baby dolls. you prefer toys you can throw and smash and the ones that make a lot of annoying noises.

buttercup, i love you and all your fiestiness so much. you're growing so much, learning so many new things that sometimes i'm afraid if i blink for too long i'm gonna miss something. it's because of you that i have also grown up and become a better person. there aren't enough thank you's and kisses in the world to show my appreciation for that. thank you for being you, my sweet littleface. i love you more than the stars are bright.

xoxo,
mommy
--i refused to spellcheck @ 11:45 AM | |

hello. is there anybody in there?

this very moment marks the first time lits has slept for more than three hours since Jay left. my poor little cub.

they don't put this shit in those mom-to-be books.
--i refused to spellcheck @ 1:10 PM | |

the first week of Jay being gone has been very, very unpleasant. ava got sick almost immediately after he left thanks to some idiot bringing their sick kid to ava's party. who the fuck does that?! why would you bring your sick kid around a bunch of healthy kids at a goddamn party? that shit is so not right. oh! and i found out this is the same bitch who hosts chicken pox parties! yeah, the intentionally give other kids chicken pox! what kind of fuckery is this? bitch is banned from my life. permanently.

my poor, helpless littleface. coughing, sneezing, vomiting, crying, and whining for her daddy. oh, she was so pitiful. she's better now, but she's not sleeping well AT ALL. she wakes up several times in the middle of the night calling out for her daddy. then, she'll stay up for an hour, hour and a half waiting for him to walk through the door. sometimes, she's awake when he calls but that just confuses her even more. she's all excited because she hears her daddy's voice but then he never comes home. since she's not sleeping at night, she's terribly cranky during the day. i put on a happy face for everyone like i'm handling this whole situation extremely well, but i'm not. i have my own selfish reasons for being sad and angry, but i hate all of this for ava. i die a little everytime i hear her call for him knowing he's not gonna be there to pick her up and cuddle with her and read her bedtime stories and all the other daddy stuff he does with her. this shit sucks to the nth degree. however, i do take a little comfort in that Jay thinks he might be able to shave off two weeks of his time away based on how much work he's gotten done already. so, fingers and toes crossed.

this past friday, i had my 20 week checkup. fun times being poked and prodded. i peed a little when i got my sonogram. well, it wasn't my fault. you can't just press on someone's bladder and not expect a little pee to come out. all is well with me and the tiny nugget. i'm building another baby girl!!! *squeeeeeeee* we're pretty excited. it's gonna be really interesting having two little girls near the same age. i can only imagine the hell they're gonna raise when they're older.

fuck that, i'll run away.
--i refused to spellcheck @ 8:49 PM | |