i've now got the baby pooch going on. i've been telling Ava she has a baby brother or sister on the way and i let her rub my belly. except, she doesn't really rub. she's more of a poker/pusher. sometimes, she'll lay on her head on my belly and pat it when she sees her daddy doing it. he'll say "mama's got a baby in her belly" and she'll lift up her shirt, and grab her own belly. oh, yeah, my baby is a smart little cookie; she knows all of her little body parts. when she says 'nose', it sounds like 'nooze'. that little girl makes me so damn happy. i know i'll never be a perfect mom, but i do know that i'm a damn good one.
--i refused to spellcheck @ 2:32 PM | |

boogabear,

you're in double-digits now! in just a couple of months you'll be one year old! as the weeks go by, i'm beginning to see you more as my little girl instead of my little baby. it's so amazing to watch you grow and become your own little person. a year ago you were a freakin fetus in my belly voguing on the sonogram. now, you're crawling, attempting to walk and talk and it all just blows my mind.

since you've been crawling, you are ALWAYS on the go, trying to find some no-no's to get into. just busy, busy, busy. there are moments when i'm convinced you're trying to drive me insane and/or kill yourself, but most of the time i can do nothing but laugh at how mischievous you can be. i thought once you started crawling and moving all about that would be the end of all our cuddle time, but surprisingly not. you'll lay your little head on my chest and play with my nose and lips and babble on about who knows what, eventually falling asleep. those are always really sweet moments for me. don't stop doing that.

you're a very bouncy baby. at first you only did it when there's music playing, but now whenever you're sitting on your butt and sometimes when you're standing against the table, you just bounce and rock back and forth. it's so stinkin cute; i just don't understand it.

it seems like you don't know whether or not you want to get off the boob. sometimes, you'll go several days with nursing only 2 or 3 times and filling up on "big girl foods" in between feedings. then, there are days where you'll only take the boob. so, what's it gonna be? you can't keep playing with my emotions like this. you're still a pretty good sleeper though. you nap a couple of times during the day and sleep all night like a champ. although, i've noticed sometimes on the weekends you wake up in the middle of the night. maybe it's because you know that's your daddy time and you wanna steal one more moment with him before the weekend is over. i can't say i blame you. you know daddy will do anything for his little girl!

next week, you will be meeting some of daddy's extended family. i hope i never have to explain why, but that has my stomach in knots. hopefully, you'll win them over with your little happyface like you do with everyone else.

do you know how much i love your littleface?! so much that no one has come up with a word to describe it.

hugs and sloppy kisses,

mama
--i refused to spellcheck @ 4:10 AM | |

little baby in my belly has been dubbed "the nunuBaby" by his/her father. i don't really like it but i'll deal. i'm not even in the second trimester and i'm already setting rules for shit that IS NOT going down when this baby is ready to arrive. i guess they think because you're having a baby you're in another world and you're not really paying attention to what's going on, people feel it's okay to step over the line and just violate you in all kinds of ways.

first, there will be no one hanging out near my pussy area with their goddamn cell phones and spiffy ass digital cameras taking pictures and texting people. what the fuck are you doing? "oh, this is so gross and so awesome at the same time!" motherfucker, it's my vagina! it's still a private part of my body. and hell the fuck no you cannot "take a peek" to see if anything new has happened. assholes. oh, and Jay, it is so inappropriate to tell your wife how big her ass looks in the middle of delivery. the only reason i didn't snatch your ass bald then was because i'd already spent an hour trying to rip off the rails on the bed and i couldn't lift my arms anymore. you're welcome.

if you are not delivering my baby, you cannot come in my room checking shit and charging me a gang of money cause you looked at a fucking monitor. i didn't ask you to check my blood pressure. who the fuck are you? i remember at least 2 nurses coming in to "check [my] epidural." bitch, i don't have an epidural; i'm gangsta like that. and even after insisting i didn't have an epidural, i was mocked. "teehee, it's just the drugs talking." a teeheee hell. i will cold cock your ass back to that nurse's station. do you even work here?

i'm taking a baseball bat with me just in case there's a marathon of court shows on tv. Jay is way too into that shit. there is a creature inside me trying to destroy my insides. no, for real, i feel like i'm about to take the biggest shit ever known to man and you're just gonna sit there watching tv, laughing your ass off at those imbeciles getting divorced because homeboy made his wife clean his shoes with a toothbrush. i will destroy every tv in that fucking hospital.

and i'm getting an epidural.
--i refused to spellcheck @ 3:48 PM | |

have you ever smelled someone's breath so stank it made you wanna kick their ass? oh. my gawd. like, how do you not smell your own breath when it's stanky like that? i mean you gotta taste that shit marinating on your taste buds.

anyhoos, it's 10 something in the pm. ava's in one of her moods where she's sleepy as fuck but refuses to go to sleep and cries every two seconds. fortunately me for me, she wants nothing to do with me right now, so daddy gets to deal with the fussybutt.

ugh. i have a mosquito bite on my ass and it itches so badly.

watching the news makes me really sad. there's rarely anything uplifting and/or enlightening reported; it's always negative. it's moments like these that i really miss my little brother....not what he's become, but the person i've known and loved most of my life. he's the person that will call me or shoot me a text message telling me the most random, funniest story and we'll just laugh until we forget what the hell we were laughing about. and his smile. so big and bright. you can literally hear him smile when he's talking. he's always been such a happy person. even through the worst of times, he's always been the person i could go to for some instant cheering up. maybe that's why i'm having such a hard time understanding this whole mess, because it all really did happen over night for me. one day he's this radiant and charming being....... so full of life..... and the next day the polar opposite. a complete stranger.
--i refused to spellcheck @ 10:29 PM | |

.... i'm not dead.

-although sometimes i do think about killing my husband. really, how hard is it to put your goddamn socks in the hamper after you take them off? trifling sonofabitch. it never fails. he gets in bed with socks on, but when he gets out of bed they're gone. i get to find them all stuffed down in the footboard when i make the bed in the morning. it makes my eye twitch.

-it would be so nice to experience the first trimester of pregnancy without raging morningnoonandnight sickness. next wednesday will be 9! weeks. :-)

-my littleface.....so much cuteness and wants so desperately to break her face. the sadist in me wants to let her fall off the bed so that maybe she'll stop crawling to the edge and dangling herself face-first and then shrieking "MAMA!" as loud as she possibly can. oh yes, she crawls, she says 'mama' [along with quite a few other new words], and she destroys almost everything she touches now. oh, joy!

-so much craziness going on right now. weddings, funerals. michael jackson died and i was the only person in the world who didn't give a fuck. i'm just glad it wasn't prince. we could make beautiful little curly-haired midget babies together. WHY DON'T YOU LOVE ME THE WAY I LOVE YOU?!?!

-knowing that i'm certifiably crazy doesn't bother me at all.
--i refused to spellcheck @ 5:21 PM | |