i think for the first time, ever, i truly understand what it feels like to be overwhelmed.

• i have a two year old with chronic ear infections



• i have an almost-one year old who seems to be teething every damn month



• i'm almost 8 months pregnant with a little boy (who's already 7lbs, by the way) that does not understand my innards need a break from his relentless kicking and punching to get out...but it would be so awesome if he and lee have the same birthday.


• my husband is out of town almost every other week while i'm dealing with all of this shit

i am so stressed right now. since ava's had so many ear infections (my poor little woman), her doctor wants her to have tubes put in her ears. so, not only am i having to make these health care decisions on my own, my baby is having surgery, AND there's a good chance her daddy won't be there when she has the surgery. [insert asthma attack here].

AND THEN! ava has become quite the little smart ass. she is well aware of the fact that her daddy lets her do whatever the fuck she wants and she lets me know every chance she gets. for instance, whenever i tell her it's time for her to do something she doesn't want to do, like picking up her toys, getting ready for bed, time for nap, her response? "i want my da-da." or if i tell her something she doesn't want to hear, like, 'no, bug, you can't have anymore juice", "no more gabba", she stomps off around all over the house in every room and starts yelling out "Da-da....Da-da....DA-DA?!?!?!" girl, you know yo daddy ain't here.

homegirl doesn't know if she was two feet taller or eight years older, she'd be six-feet under.

and Jay, the love of my life, when he is home, undermines ev-er-y-thing i do. for the most part, the girls are on a pretty consistent schedule. i don't force anything [except the amount of tv], but they're pretty predictable [which i absolutely LOVE]. naps, food, tantrums. you can pretty much time them all.

Jay wakes them up from naps if he comes home from work early. he lets them have more than the usual amount of everything; he keeps them up late at night; tv is on until they go to sleep; and then he leaves me solo to deal with the fallout. i let him get away with it simply because he is at work all day and i know he misses them, they miss him, and he wants to make up for them time that he's gone. but fuck with me a spoon! i count on them staying on schedule so i can get shit done.

i'm also really irked by the fact that when i was pregnant with the girls, Jay waited til the last minute to get the nurseries done. when he found out this one was a boy, he finished the nursery in....i don't know 2 weeks when i was 6 months along. DISCRIMINATION!

oh, snap! the crucible is on.

i think i've adjusted to the traveling but i'm still pissed at the fact that his job is well aware of my pregnancy and when i'm due and they're still sending him away all. the. time.

ugh, my blood pressure is rising just thinking about it.

hmmm...i don't know. i've always kinda been anti-nanny, but i know i'm gonna need at least some part-time help once the little one arrives. it's either nanny or daycare for ava, which i know i couldn't handle for very selfish reasons. i don't like my babies being away from me AT ALL.

ew. heartburn.

i'm just....overwhelmed. i feel like i'm doing everything on my own. i know if Jay could be here and do more, he would but he can't and i can't help but to resent him for that. so at the end of the day, i feel like a failure as a mom, a wife, and human being altogether.

who's idea was it to have all of these damn babies?

--i refused to spellcheck @ 5:55 PM | |