how do you solve a problem that has no acceptable solution?

it's really nothing new....i guess i've kinda just been lying to myself to get it out of my head; if it's not true, it doesn't exist.

i don't like Jay having a regular, monday thru friday, 8 to 5 job. i don't like having a regular, monday thru friday, 8 to 5 job. the only reason i even have a job now is because it gives me something to do while he's at work.

i've been told, "you're going to have accept that this is what life is like after college." it's true, but it's too much for to try and adjust and adapt to so soon. i feel like i've had to give up a great sense of security so he can have a career. it makes no sense to anyone else, but it does to me and that's what it is. i'm so afraid it's gonna change him and the more time we spend apart he's gonna realize he doesn't wanna be with me or he'll feel like i resent him and rather have a well-paying job he loves and is great at instead of an unstable basketcase of a future wife. it doesn't matter what he says or does to convince me otherwise, even if i know he means it, i will always feel that way; i've had too many disappointments in my life to ever allow myself to think that true happiness is possible. always hope for the best, but expect the worst.

so, maybe in a way, i do kinda resent him now. i don't mean to but i see the little changes happening already.....but it's the little things that mean so much to me. and i know some of the stuff he can't help; he's a professional now. it comes with the territory.

it's just.....i don't know.

i guess i thought we could have the best of worlds where he could do everything he wanted to do professionally and nothing would change between us-- we could still be two fun, crazy kids in love. reality is, he has a 40-hour a week job, a career; i have a 40-hour a week hobby to keep me distracted; and nights and weekends are "free minutes".

at least monday is a holiday.

Labels: my love, this is who i am, work stuff

--i refused to spellcheck @ 11:47 PM | |