so, my birthday is tomorrow. i'll be 22 years old. i'm not really excited about it. i don't care that i'm another year older; it's not a big deal. but i feel like i should be somewhat excited about it being my birthday.

last year, it was so different-- turning 21, about to graduate from a prestigious university, scared/excited/anticipating having a baby/being a mommy. i sat here re-reading some old posts from that time and it made me cry; i really miss that time all of that stuff.

this year, it's just all kinds of bleh. simply another day; nothing special.

my last day of work went fairly smoothly. J's sister treated me to a pre-birthday lunch since she's gonna be out of town this weekend. she's all kinds of sweetness. she's stressing out about her upcoming finals so i'm gonna make her a little care package to have while she's holed up in her dorm studying next week.

i'm missing my pap bear like crazy, but what can i do but deal with it? he leaves me the cutest voicemails whenever i miss his calls and i just adore those random "i miss you" texts he sends me. that man puts a smile on my face like no one else can. i can't wait til he comes home. i hate sleeping in an empty bed. =(

no birthday plans. tonight, i'm gonna take a nice, long bubble bath, have some wine, and watch a movie or two. hopefully, i'll get to talk to papa bear for a while. tomorrow, i'll probably just clean the house, put up the christmas tree, and wrap some gifts. pitiful birthday, ain't it?

Labels: my love, this is who i am, weekend stuff, work stuff

--i refused to spellcheck @ 7:06 PM | |

it's happening.

i'm becoming the wifey of a businessman.

this weekend he has to go to chicago for a meeting to close a deal. this one doesn't bother me so much because i've known about it long enough to prepare for it. i even planned a slumber party with my girls and gays. i was/am actually looking forward to it because i don't hang out with my friends that often anymore for a number of reasons and it would be nice to catch up with everyone. shopping, hellloooo!!!

then, i was all happy because we had the thanksgiving talk and it went really well. even though he and his folks still aren't quite talking, he's gonna do thanksgiving breakfast with them per his little sister's request and spend the rest of the time with me and my family. *smiley face*

and then all this shit starts to happen

last night, he didn't leave work until almost 11 because of some major catastrophe just a few hours before something needed to be submitted. oh, i was not happy. i had the car so i had to go pick him up after i left work only to spend another 3 hours at his job with him telling me "it won't be that much longer" when we had dinner reservations, my feet were killing me, and i was hungry as fuck. when it was obvious he wasn't leaving anytime soon, i went back to campus and hung out at his sister's dorm with her and intensely weird roommate of hers for another 2 hours. i know it's his job and it's his ass on the line, but when work interferes with our personal lives, i have a problem with it.

this evening, when we got home from work, he laced me with OH-SO WONDERFUL!!! news: instead of having a *special* night out for my birthday, he will be in Detroit for another meeting with some big wigs to land another deal.

i think he was expecting me to hit him or yell at him because he had all that time in the car to tell me but he waited until we got home and he could get a significant amount of open space between us. and he had that stupid fake smile on his face that i absolutely abhor-- it's like, 'hi, i know you're gonna be really mad when you hear this, but if i smile and act like i'm not twisting a knife in your fragile little heart, it won't be as bad.' i was just a little shocked to learn i was gonna have 2 consecutive miserable birthdays, so all i could do was just look at him and walk away. i cried a little. but i'm a girl; crying is what i do best. i'm not really mad at him, but i'm definitely upset with the situation. this is exactly what i was afraid of and now it's all starting to happen.


[insert all kinds of profanity here]

Labels: my love, work stuff

--i refused to spellcheck @ 9:25 PM | |

i think i forgot how to blog. this used to be really easy for me, but now, not so much.

i've been wanting to quit my job pretty much since the day i started. it's made me all kinds of miserable. Jay has been telling me not to because i'm not a quitter and he doesn't like quitters, but fuck that. he loves his job and doesn't have to deal with the shit i have to. i should not dread going to work every. single. day. the money's nice, but it's not like i need it. this job was just to keep me busy and kill some time. and i figured since i'd had experience working in one lab and loved it, one in a closely-related area couldn't be that much different. i don't think i could've been more wrong. and i'm sooooooo fucking over it. i've put in my 2 weeks notice, although i don't think they deserve that courtesy, and after that, i'm out of that place.

i have a birthday coming up. i'm kinda excited but not really. i just recently realized how much i DON'T look forward to "special days" anymore. i don't really know how to explain it, but i haven't been able to fully enjoy anything since losing Z. i don't wanna discuss it any more than that, but that's pretty much the gist of it.

despite having a job that sucks dick for pennies and the never-ending pains that comes from losing a child, i'm actually very happy. probably hard to believe given what i just wrote a few seconds ago, but i am. i don't remember a time where Jay and i got along as well as we do now. it's another one of those indescribable things. i honestly have no words for it. as an individual, i'm forever a tortured soul. with him, i'm alive and happy.

Labels: so random, work stuff

--i refused to spellcheck @ 2:27 PM | |

i'm such a sucky blogger now. it's almost shameful. you forgive me, don'tcha? there's nothing spectacular going on right now anyway.

yesterday was a bit rough.
seven months.
i always hate when the 9th of the month rolls around because the entire day i'm just consumed with thoughts of what could have been. and i still can't walk past the baby section in any store without having a brutal breakdown........


-Jay's almost done with all his grad school applications. it seems like the closer he gets to completing all of them, the more he doesn't wanna go at all. i can't figure out if it's because he doesn't wanna get rejected by any of them [which i highly doubt he'll get rejected] or because he's gotten really comfortable at his job now. maybe it's both. i would rather he go to school instead of working but for my own selfish reasons; i just tell him to do what makes him happy. just because he gets accepted to a school doesn't mean he has to go to any of them.

-work is decent for a change. since we're in a new phase of the project i'm a part of, i get to sit at my desk and run stats and goof around with the other RA all day.

-Jay did go to the tennessee/georgia game this past weekend. the only reason i didn't bitch and moan about it was because my darlin Amy was in town and i got to dress like a tramp and party it up with her. gay clubs are the bestest.

-backstreet's back. again. alright! the 12 year old fan girl in me is giddy with glee.

-saw 4. october 26th. nip//tuck october 30th. and i get to go to a haunted house this year. still haven't decided on a costume yet. dressing up and going out depends on how Jay's work load is. we don't go out when he's on a *big* project. he's not a pleasant person when he doesn't get his beauty sleep. i love that angry sex though. boy knocked my uterus into my pancreas once. i'm having spasms just thinking about it.

-i definitely want an oreo mcflurry soon. liiiike right now.

Labels: my love, so random, this is who i am, weekend stuff, work stuff

--i refused to spellcheck @ 10:55 PM | |

i know, i know. minus the drunken post, this little blog has been neglected. it's not my fault though; there are simply not enough hours in the day. i'm not doing really well balancing a *hubby*, a full time job, and social obligations.

monday thru friday from 8 to 5, i'm at work. Jay and i have lunch together once or twice during the week. that always makes me smile cause i miss his stinkin ass.

after work, more often than not, we have dinner with people from Jay's work. it's not horrible because i get along with everyone fairly well; i'd rather go straight home though. nights we DO go straight home, i cook and usually Jay's sister will come have dinner with us, stay overnight and ride back to campus with me/us the next day. if she doesn't come over, i actually get ALONE time and i can't be bothered with anything else. i just sit in Jay's lap with my legs wrapped around his waist, and he rubs my back and kisses my neck. that makes me smile too. i love to be spoiled with affection.

then, there's football season. gotta love some college football. i have a rule that he can't have people over 2 weekends in a row, and when he does have people over, i need a week's notice, NOT the night before. asshole. so far, it's going well but Tennessee has some big games coming up and that boy bleeds orange. he definitely wants to go the Tennessee/UGA game, but i don't. he's been a good doggy boy so i may let him go without giving him shit about it. i won't be happy about it, but i'll let him go.

and when i'm not being *hostess with mostest*, we're out with people from his work. naturally. [insert eye roll here] and i'm almost convinced two of those couples are swingers. i get the swingers-vibe from them. i hope those bitches know they ain't got but one time to make a wrong move or look at my man, and i'm stabbing a bitch. i'm the only one tapping that. you definitely can't touch, so you might as well not even look.

oh yeah, i haven't got fired yet. obviously. now that all the prelim stuff is out of the way, i don't have to deal with anyone but the other RA and he likes me. when i do walk past *the others*, they give me a fake-ass smile and go on their merry little way. i don't give a fuck; they can all eat shit and die. =)

my lab coat!! my spiffy white lab coat!!! i don't even have to buy sexy costumes anymore. i just need some cute lingerie, heels, that coat, and it's on. the only downside is i have to wash it almost every damn night to make it all clean and fresh again. but then i spray some of Jay's cologne on it so that i can smell his scent whenever i want. i'm a dork, i know.

we've been on the hunt for a new place in the city, but it's been difficult to schedule apartment viewings after work and on weekends. so, i'm not really sure how that's gonna work, if at all.....that does not make me smile.

there was something else i wanted to write about but i forget what.....

hmmm.....i don't know.

Labels: my love, so random, this is who i am, weekend stuff, work stuff

--i refused to spellcheck @ 11:39 PM | |

this week at work has sucked ass.

monday was okay because i pretty much got to stay at my desk and run stats all day. SPSS is my new best friend.

tuesday, it seemed like everyone went out of their way to insult my intelligence and belittle me. of all the shit i had to take that day, the one incident that stands out the most was being told to get someone coffee, retorting "getting you coffee is not in my job description", then getting reprimanded for insubordination. and the fucked up thing about it is, that bitch who told me to get her coffee? i don't even work for her; she just barely has rank over me.

wednesday was more of the same and i went off on a few people cause i ain't no punk bitch.

yesterday, i managed to avoid interacting with anyone.

this morning, i was formally reprimanded by the director but only because he had to. i told him exactly what was going on and how i felt about those people and he was surprisingly understanding. he said most people just come in, take their crap, go home and do it all over again the next day without ever complaining. and that i was the first person, nevermind new hire, to ever challenge and tell people what i'm not going to do.

i think the meeting with him did some good though. less than an hour later there was an email from him sent out to our entire department about having and maintaining a pleasant work environment, being respectful, and a little reminder about what constitutes as harassment and its ramifications. the last bit kinda made me chuckle because i was going off on a tangent when i brought up the whole harassment thing.

i don't expect anyone to apologize but i am hoping there will at least be a change in people's attitudes and approach. the only reason i haven't quit is because i don't wanna give them that satisfaction. i'm only irritated and annoyed at this point; they haven't seen me get mad yet.



and then there's Jay. my sweet, adorable little man. he just wants to break all of their legs and crush their skulls. i would let him, but then he'd go to jail and he's just too pretty for that. i cannot have my baby sitting in some cell with Bubba getting *loved* in the butt every night.

he does get annoyed with me because i mostly complain when he asks how my day was. but i'm usually done venting by the time we make it home or to dinner so i don't see what the big problem is; don't ask if you don't wanna hear the truth.

anyhoos, it's the weekend. yays. tomorrow, i'm having girl day. alone. i need new clothes [for work, ugh], a mani and a pedi, a massage, my hair done, and i'm sure i'll think of other stuff in between. then, while he's off somewhere watching the tennessee game, i'm gonna clean and run around the house nekkid and listen to some muzak. then, i'll make him come home so we can do the hibbidy dibbidy. you know, i thought after i started working that our sex life was gonna diiieee a horrible death, but it hasn't. there's mornings, the nooners, the drive home in the evening, and when we're actually home after work and on weekends.

see! i'm adjusting and adapting! aren't you proud?


now, if 5:00 would just hurry up and get here.....

Labels: my love, this is who i am, weekend stuff, work stuff

--i refused to spellcheck @ 4:44 PM | |

but i'm pretty sure i'm gonna get fired this week.

Labels: work stuff

--i refused to spellcheck @ 12:23 AM | |

i really like my job when i don't have to interact with people.

with the exception of one RA, i hate everyone here. the women are cunts; the men are misogynistic assholes. i don't know how much longer i can or want to deal with all this douchebaggery.

i haven't even been here a whole month, so i obviously don't know the ins and outs of this place. whenever i ask someone [usually a female] a question, more often than not, they talk to me like i'm the dumbest person in the world. actually, they don't even talk to me, they talk AT me. and it's not like i'm always in someone's face asking questions every 5 minutes. it's ONE question every couple of days and only if something comes up before the other RA comes in.

this morning i was scanning participants' personal info into the system and checking the release and consent forms to make sure everything had been signed when i came across SOMEONE ELSE'S mistake. one of the people in this particular set i was scanning is 17, a minor. minors do not sign consent forms, they sign assent forms. even though we have her sig and her parent's sig, it's no good because it's on the incorrect form.
so i ran all over the building [in heels!] trying to find the principle investigator [PI] on the project because he's the one who interviews all these people and give the forms to sign. 20 minutes went by before i finally found him outside talking and smoking with 2 other people, and i asked if he would step inside so i could talk to him in private. he asked what it was about and then insisted it was fine to talk to him right there in front of the other people, so i did even though i knew it was very much illegal and unethical to do so. he told me the forms were no big deal and he'd take care of it today, and even applauded my attention to detail and thanked me for catching the error. hell, i even gave myself a pat on the back on the way back to my desk.

about ten minutes later, i'm still scanning away, not a care in the world when i get a call from the PI to come to his office. at first, i thought it was really odd because no one's ever called me into their office; they just send me memos. they don't care about the measly RA's. but then i thought since it was him, he probably didn't have time to call the participant back, and wanted me to do it. no biggie.

this motherfucker called me in his office to go off on me about how unprofessional i was with regards to the consent form ordeal. i let that dumbfuck say what he had to say, but i didn't leave that office without giving that shit right back to him and let him know he was the unprofessional one and to not ever speak to me the way he just did ever again. the look in his face?

priceless.

i really think he was expecting me to just cower and apologize relentlessly because i'm a female. uh uh. don't do me. i don't care who the fuck you are, i'm nobody's bitch and i don't kiss anyone's ass. respect begets respect. if you don't want me to call you on your shit in front of your colleagues, then don't fuck up and don't tell me it's okay to discuss something somewhere it obviously isn't.


i don't need this job; this job needs me.



and i'm super-annoyed with that heifer at wendy's for not putting any honey mustard sauce in my bag after i asked for it twice.

Labels: so random, work stuff

--i refused to spellcheck @ 12:54 PM | |

today has been really weird. i can't explain it, but i've been feeling awkward all day. for no particular reason...just weird.

things at work are VERY hectic. in addition to recruiting, scheduling, screening subjects, and so much more, i'm going to have to learn phlebotomy. i knew i was gonna have to do it eventually, but......have i ever mentioned how much i hate needles? haha. hopefully, i won't have to do anything beyond all the initial assessment though.
there's so much work-related stuff i would love to write about but i signed a confidentiality agreement that forbids it. i can't even tell Jay. the love i have for this man can never be into words but i ain't getting sued for nobody.

this afternoon, we had a major crisis when ALL of our computers crashed. we're always entering data into the system, so the directors are losing their minds because they don't know how much of the data,if any, was lost. i don't know about anyone else but i set my computer so that it autosaves on my thumbdrive [rufus is it's name] every 2 minutes. and at the time of the big crash, i was staring blankly at the screen because i'd already finished entering everything i had to. since we couldn't do any work and we didn't have any research going on at the time, a lot of us got sent home. i was beyond excited about that. luckily, Jess [Jay's sister] was done with classes for the day, so she took me to Jay's work so I could get the car [and a really nice kiss and a butt squeeze]. i was a little sad he couldn't leave and come home with me, but no biggie. see, i'm getting better. =)

when i got home, i checked rufus and he's in good shape. everything seems to be the way it should. i wanted to take a nap but didn't have the time to spare since i had to drive back to the city to pick up Jay.

did i complain a lot about the commute when we were in school? i don't think it was as bad then because we could get to campus and have a little time to spare and not RUSH. i cannot stand feeling rushed and it's like that every single morning and i know i cussed the entire time i was driving to get Jay this evening. traffic is beyond ridiculous. it's unacceptable. at this point, where Jay decides to go to grad school doesn't even matter. it does, but not at this very moment. whether or not we stay in Tennessee, and as much as i love this place we call home, we have to move closer to work and soon.

moving on.....

i'm VERY VERY VERY excited about this weekend. Jay has some secret special plans for us. i have no idea what it is. he only told me we're going straight to our destination right after work tomorrow, and to pack clothes for the weekend and work clothes for monday because we won't be coming back home until monday evening after work. Jess has a spare key so she's gonna come check up on the house and feed the dog and take her out and all that jazz. he didn't even tell her because she and i take all the time and Jess tells me EVERYTHING. [i know stuff he doesn't know, but don't tell him that ;)]

i don't know if we're staying local or going out of town. he locked me out of our bedroom when he was packing so i don't know what i should pack. of course, i absolutely love that he's done all this and obviously meticulously planned everything. i'm thrilled to pieces that he even thought to make this weekend about nothing but us. but y'all know i'm nosy as hell. i need to know what the hell is going on! i'm taking my laptop with me because i must check my email a thousand times a day, so hopefully i'll have an internet connection to get a little update in.

so, that's all going on with me. some days are great, some are horrible. i feel like the luckiest girl in the world to have Jay in my life. he keeps me alive. at the same time, there are so many things i wish i had the power to change to make things a little better for the both of us. i miss my baby girl more and more every day and wish so badly i could've been a better mommy and gave her the life she deserved. that loss is something neither Jay nor i will ever accept, but we are slowly but surely picking up the pieces and moving forward with our lives.

until i blog again,

cyber *hugs&smooches* to you all Y'ALL!
live.love.learn.
lessthan3

Labels: my love, so random, this is who i am, weekend stuff, work stuff

--i refused to spellcheck @ 8:08 PM | |

how do you solve a problem that has no acceptable solution?

it's really nothing new....i guess i've kinda just been lying to myself to get it out of my head; if it's not true, it doesn't exist.

i don't like Jay having a regular, monday thru friday, 8 to 5 job. i don't like having a regular, monday thru friday, 8 to 5 job. the only reason i even have a job now is because it gives me something to do while he's at work.

i've been told, "you're going to have accept that this is what life is like after college." it's true, but it's too much for to try and adjust and adapt to so soon. i feel like i've had to give up a great sense of security so he can have a career. it makes no sense to anyone else, but it does to me and that's what it is. i'm so afraid it's gonna change him and the more time we spend apart he's gonna realize he doesn't wanna be with me or he'll feel like i resent him and rather have a well-paying job he loves and is great at instead of an unstable basketcase of a future wife. it doesn't matter what he says or does to convince me otherwise, even if i know he means it, i will always feel that way; i've had too many disappointments in my life to ever allow myself to think that true happiness is possible. always hope for the best, but expect the worst.

so, maybe in a way, i do kinda resent him now. i don't mean to but i see the little changes happening already.....but it's the little things that mean so much to me. and i know some of the stuff he can't help; he's a professional now. it comes with the territory.

it's just.....i don't know.

i guess i thought we could have the best of worlds where he could do everything he wanted to do professionally and nothing would change between us-- we could still be two fun, crazy kids in love. reality is, he has a 40-hour a week job, a career; i have a 40-hour a week hobby to keep me distracted; and nights and weekends are "free minutes".

at least monday is a holiday.

Labels: my love, this is who i am, work stuff

--i refused to spellcheck @ 11:47 PM | |

i'm at work!
blogging!

yesterday wasn't too bad. i'm guessing a serious half-assing loser had this position before i did. i was expecting to set up experiment stations, screen participants, and run stats. my big "task" for the day was to re-stock supplies and order some stupid equipment. that was supposed to keep me busy all day. it took me less than two hours. riveting, i know. from what i've seen the past 2 days, a lot of people give off this 'don't speak to me unless i ask you a question' vibe. i should've expected it, as it is v@nderbilt, but i was little surprised at how unapproachable and cold most of the people are.

it wasn't all bad though. after meeting with all the *important* people monday and getting the tour, i thought i was gonna be working around a bunch of unpleasant, older people whom i have nothing in common with, but there's another level 2 RA closer to my age i get to work with. he's a grad student. very easy on the eyes . smart and funny. likes yogurt. i don't know why that information is important but he told me he likes yogurt. he's been working there since the spring so he's gonna "show me the ropes and keep me out of trouble." oh, and he told me i should expect pointless, busy work this week; next week is when the fun stuff begins. yays!

even though it's a nice distraction, i was glad when the work day was over. i missed Jay a lot. probably not as much as i would have sitting at home alone. i find it a little ironic that Jay said he missed me more because he's so accustomed to me being at home and knowing i'm either cleaning, cooking, or sleeping. i was a little offended by that statement too. the sex kinda made me forget about it though.

it's day 2.
all is well.
my break is less than 2 minutes away.
and Jay's bringing me wendy's.
i have no complaints....yet.

Labels: work stuff

--i refused to spellcheck @ 11:58 AM | |

howdy kids.

sorry i haven't been able to update as often as i usually do. i've been a very busy girl-- hosting parties, playing trophy wife, preparing for my new job, not beating up people. you know, it takes a lot more from me to walk away from someone who deserves a beatdown than to actually deliver the beatdown to someone who deserves it. but none of that matters anymore-- i made it through the parties, dinner with the corporate big-wigs, and a long, exhausting day with Jay's parents.

i'm a working woman now! well, i will be. today was just paperwork and a tour around the facility. my first official day is tomorrow. this is really stupid, but the only thing i'm really excited about is getting to wear my spiffy little white lab coat with my cute little i.d. badge. it's the little things, people. another plus is that Jay's and my hours are identical so we can carpool. yays! i hope we can still have lunch together. i gotta have my afternoon delight. *wink*

i'm gonna have to rework my morning schedule though. usually, i'm up at 6 to make breakfast and make sure Jay's out of the door by 7 if he's to get to work on time, then i clean up the kitchen and either get in another hour of sleep or get the day started with checking emails.
hmmm....i think i could do 4:30 and have us leave around 6:45....2 hours and some change might not be enough time for me though; it takes me at least an hour to get ready for anything. i should do a run-through tonight and see how long it takes. it's times like these i kinda wish we didn't live so far away from the city.

***

you ever take a picture and at the time, you don't really pay attention to any other person(s) who decides to jump in even though you CLEARLY stated you wanted to take a solo picture. and then a few days later you see the picture and realize how fucking fierce you look but the picture is ruined because one ugly motherfucker couldn't stand her ugly ass to the side for the 3 goddamn seconds it took you take the picture? GAWD! UGH!

when i was pregnant, i took more pictures during that period of time than ever in my life. getting to visually document everything pregnancy-related was one of the many great things about it. afterwards, it felt really awkward to just pick up a camera, let alone have someone else photograph me, so i took a self-imposed hiatus from any and all things photo-related. the one night i was really okay with someone taking my picture, the entire shot was ruined by some ugly bitch i don't even know. i had actually forgotten about it until my friend sent the picture to me the other day. i had no words to describe it; i just wanted to cry. i showed it to Jay; at first he smiled, but then the sour milk face took over. his exact words were "you look hot in that picture, but that thing standing next to you kinda takes away from it." i know this is shallow, but i've never claimed to be otherwise, but i feel so violated and disrespected that big ugly wench had the audacity to stand near me AND have someone capture it on film. she's not worthy, dammit. and to be quite honest, i'm not even 100% sure she is biologically female. i know some queens, but those bitches know how to work it. *finger snap*

that big bitch had ashy elbows. she could've at least moisturized her situation beforehand.

***

is it just me or are the likes of Nicole Richie, Paris Hilton, and especially Lindsay Lohan proving what a joke the U.S. legal system has become? Blohan can get FELONY charges reduced to misdemeanors, yet, there are people who've spent a significant amount of years behind bars for crimes they didn't commit; some are vindicated thanks to DNA testing, but even getting the petition to allow DNA evidence into the courts that will prove one's innocence granted isn't guaranteed.

who would you be more willing to convict and give a harsher sentence to: (a) a black male fitting the description of a rape suspect who sexually assaulted three white females in a month, no criminal background, and only circumstantial evidence from the prosecution, or (b) a white female who plead guilty to driving under the influence for a second time and also had a significant amount of narcotics in her possession at the time of her second arrest?

the logical choice, in my opinion, is B. however, the fact is, black men receive harsher sentencing when convicted of a crime than other population in this country especially when it's a crime against a white person, male or female.

i know we've got a better legal system than most countries, i'll give you that much, but the state of our country is becoming more embarrassing every day.

***

i need to start on dinner. i have no idea what i'm gonna cook but i'm definitely baking a red velvet cake. i've been craving it the past several days. yummy in my tummy.

Labels: my love, this is who i am, weekend stuff, work stuff

--i refused to spellcheck @ 4:06 PM | |