mmmmmkay. so i ;n slighlty inebriated.,

i told theat boy to stop buying teqwiul.a

we're trying to make a baby. or alt oeladt practiocing. it's fun.

he hurt mnyt ginety. ui klinfa lijed iut.l

whoadf. it's sunday/. i have to wrk rtomorrwow.

fuck them nbitechesa.

i wnat it thisd way. i want it want thswt way. iwnat it.

i hearts rohbin thicke.

yag, i jus fell off hye ned. that;s gonbna leave a m,erk.
--i refused to spellcheck @ 9:24 PM | |

i feel like i've been totally slipping with this whole blogging thing for the past year [and a half?]. i don't update nearly as often as i used to. i used to constantly read blogs but i honestly don't remember the last time i sat here and read a single one. it's not that i don't love you, i just don't have the time. plus, my life is pretty boring now, so it's not like you're missing much on my end. i'm stuck in a routine and i don't particularly care for it.

this is all that boy's fault. i don't know exactly what he did, but it's his fault.

this is probably gonna sound really stupid, or maybe not; i don't know. but i kinda wish we'd waited to get engaged. it'll be 2 years next month and everyone keeps asking for a wedding date. annoying? yes. but the more people ask, the more i wonder why the hell we haven't at least set a date. that's the one thing Jay and i rarely talk about; it's just not in our forefront thoughts.

at the same time, i know if we weren't engaged now, or at least discussing it, i'd be so fucking bitter and be that girl always in his face asking "when are you gonna ask me to marry you?" no ma'am. my level of insecurity is just fine where it is now.

*sigh* i am making a lame attempt to re-start the whole wedding planning business. i wanna do everything myself cause, ya know, i'm a control freak, but i don't see it happening. again, i don't have the time. during the week, i wake up at 4:30 every morning. from then until i go to sleep, i'm busy with SOMETHING. there's always the weekend but it's football season and i live with a boy. and then there's the whole being estranged from our families thing that discourages me even more.

if it weren't for people and their wanting others to conform to their social norms, this would not be a problem. Jay and i would be just fine and dandy with our obscenely dysfunctional relationship.

all i know is at the end of every day, i just wanna be home and be with him and not think about anything else in the world.



i have a mosquito bite on my ass.
it itches.

Labels: my love, so random, this is who i am

--i refused to spellcheck @ 10:34 PM | |

this week at work has sucked ass.

monday was okay because i pretty much got to stay at my desk and run stats all day. SPSS is my new best friend.

tuesday, it seemed like everyone went out of their way to insult my intelligence and belittle me. of all the shit i had to take that day, the one incident that stands out the most was being told to get someone coffee, retorting "getting you coffee is not in my job description", then getting reprimanded for insubordination. and the fucked up thing about it is, that bitch who told me to get her coffee? i don't even work for her; she just barely has rank over me.

wednesday was more of the same and i went off on a few people cause i ain't no punk bitch.

yesterday, i managed to avoid interacting with anyone.

this morning, i was formally reprimanded by the director but only because he had to. i told him exactly what was going on and how i felt about those people and he was surprisingly understanding. he said most people just come in, take their crap, go home and do it all over again the next day without ever complaining. and that i was the first person, nevermind new hire, to ever challenge and tell people what i'm not going to do.

i think the meeting with him did some good though. less than an hour later there was an email from him sent out to our entire department about having and maintaining a pleasant work environment, being respectful, and a little reminder about what constitutes as harassment and its ramifications. the last bit kinda made me chuckle because i was going off on a tangent when i brought up the whole harassment thing.

i don't expect anyone to apologize but i am hoping there will at least be a change in people's attitudes and approach. the only reason i haven't quit is because i don't wanna give them that satisfaction. i'm only irritated and annoyed at this point; they haven't seen me get mad yet.



and then there's Jay. my sweet, adorable little man. he just wants to break all of their legs and crush their skulls. i would let him, but then he'd go to jail and he's just too pretty for that. i cannot have my baby sitting in some cell with Bubba getting *loved* in the butt every night.

he does get annoyed with me because i mostly complain when he asks how my day was. but i'm usually done venting by the time we make it home or to dinner so i don't see what the big problem is; don't ask if you don't wanna hear the truth.

anyhoos, it's the weekend. yays. tomorrow, i'm having girl day. alone. i need new clothes [for work, ugh], a mani and a pedi, a massage, my hair done, and i'm sure i'll think of other stuff in between. then, while he's off somewhere watching the tennessee game, i'm gonna clean and run around the house nekkid and listen to some muzak. then, i'll make him come home so we can do the hibbidy dibbidy. you know, i thought after i started working that our sex life was gonna diiieee a horrible death, but it hasn't. there's mornings, the nooners, the drive home in the evening, and when we're actually home after work and on weekends.

see! i'm adjusting and adapting! aren't you proud?


now, if 5:00 would just hurry up and get here.....

Labels: my love, this is who i am, weekend stuff, work stuff

--i refused to spellcheck @ 4:44 PM | |

but i'm pretty sure i'm gonna get fired this week.

Labels: work stuff

--i refused to spellcheck @ 12:23 AM | |

work sucked as usual.
but today was a little better.
people attempted to talk to me without looks of contempt on their faces....but only because they heard about me "talking back" to the boss. it's the talk of our lab. i feel so *special*.

eh, not really.

i got to have lunch with Jay today. *happy clap*
as demanding and stressful as his job is, his workplace is so chill and relaxed. everyone is so nice and they love me, which is all that matters. well, except this one girl. she's the receptionist. she doesn't like me because she likes Jay and he shut her down when she was flirting with him. i would slit her throat, gouge out her eyes, and gut her like a fish, but being rejected and seeing me and Jay together all the time is enough.......for now.

*squeal* prison break is on!!!
--i refused to spellcheck @ 7:01 PM | |

yays for the end of another work week. *happy dance*

it would be really nice to have 2 consecutive weekends of doing nothing but sleeping and fornicating, but it's football season and we've got some major games going on this weekend. and of course, Jay just couldn't resist inviting people over to eat our all of our food and drink all of our beer. y'all know i love that man more life itself, but sometimes i wish he didn't have any friends.

i'm sure it won't be too horrible though. tomorrow, people are gonna come over to watch the tennessee/florida game, and then we're all going to campus for the v@ndy/ole miss game. since we'll only be here for one game, i don't have to cook and worry about lots of cleaning up afterwards. they'll fuck up the campus parking lot later on when we're tailgating.
sunday, Jay and i will be at the titans/colts game, so there won't be any cooking or cleaning that day.

i love football season [when i don't have fifty dozen people in my house], but it's really weird and sad this time around [for me]. last year, at this time, people were finding out i was pregnant. whenever we had people over, everyone would rub my belly, and seemed genuinely happy and excited for us. now, it's just uncomfortable because everyone acts like i'm dying and look at with pity and/or sympathy. i really hate that.

when we go out to dinner with people from Jay's work, someone will ask if we have any kids and one of us will say "yeah, but...." as soon as they hear what happened, we get the head tilt and an "awww, i'm sorry" every. single. time. it's annoying and awkward from there until we leave.

it's situations like that that make me not want to be around people ever again. i know it's not something people do intentionally, or at least i hope not, but i still hate those moments.

i really love the white lilies Jay bought me today, though.
he makes me smile. =)

Labels: my love, weekend stuff

--i refused to spellcheck @ 11:07 PM | |

i really like my job when i don't have to interact with people.

with the exception of one RA, i hate everyone here. the women are cunts; the men are misogynistic assholes. i don't know how much longer i can or want to deal with all this douchebaggery.

i haven't even been here a whole month, so i obviously don't know the ins and outs of this place. whenever i ask someone [usually a female] a question, more often than not, they talk to me like i'm the dumbest person in the world. actually, they don't even talk to me, they talk AT me. and it's not like i'm always in someone's face asking questions every 5 minutes. it's ONE question every couple of days and only if something comes up before the other RA comes in.

this morning i was scanning participants' personal info into the system and checking the release and consent forms to make sure everything had been signed when i came across SOMEONE ELSE'S mistake. one of the people in this particular set i was scanning is 17, a minor. minors do not sign consent forms, they sign assent forms. even though we have her sig and her parent's sig, it's no good because it's on the incorrect form.
so i ran all over the building [in heels!] trying to find the principle investigator [PI] on the project because he's the one who interviews all these people and give the forms to sign. 20 minutes went by before i finally found him outside talking and smoking with 2 other people, and i asked if he would step inside so i could talk to him in private. he asked what it was about and then insisted it was fine to talk to him right there in front of the other people, so i did even though i knew it was very much illegal and unethical to do so. he told me the forms were no big deal and he'd take care of it today, and even applauded my attention to detail and thanked me for catching the error. hell, i even gave myself a pat on the back on the way back to my desk.

about ten minutes later, i'm still scanning away, not a care in the world when i get a call from the PI to come to his office. at first, i thought it was really odd because no one's ever called me into their office; they just send me memos. they don't care about the measly RA's. but then i thought since it was him, he probably didn't have time to call the participant back, and wanted me to do it. no biggie.

this motherfucker called me in his office to go off on me about how unprofessional i was with regards to the consent form ordeal. i let that dumbfuck say what he had to say, but i didn't leave that office without giving that shit right back to him and let him know he was the unprofessional one and to not ever speak to me the way he just did ever again. the look in his face?

priceless.

i really think he was expecting me to just cower and apologize relentlessly because i'm a female. uh uh. don't do me. i don't care who the fuck you are, i'm nobody's bitch and i don't kiss anyone's ass. respect begets respect. if you don't want me to call you on your shit in front of your colleagues, then don't fuck up and don't tell me it's okay to discuss something somewhere it obviously isn't.


i don't need this job; this job needs me.



and i'm super-annoyed with that heifer at wendy's for not putting any honey mustard sauce in my bag after i asked for it twice.

Labels: so random, work stuff

--i refused to spellcheck @ 12:54 PM | |

i have no words.


but that's a good thing.

Labels: so random

--i refused to spellcheck @ 8:17 PM | |

today has been really weird. i can't explain it, but i've been feeling awkward all day. for no particular reason...just weird.

things at work are VERY hectic. in addition to recruiting, scheduling, screening subjects, and so much more, i'm going to have to learn phlebotomy. i knew i was gonna have to do it eventually, but......have i ever mentioned how much i hate needles? haha. hopefully, i won't have to do anything beyond all the initial assessment though.
there's so much work-related stuff i would love to write about but i signed a confidentiality agreement that forbids it. i can't even tell Jay. the love i have for this man can never be into words but i ain't getting sued for nobody.

this afternoon, we had a major crisis when ALL of our computers crashed. we're always entering data into the system, so the directors are losing their minds because they don't know how much of the data,if any, was lost. i don't know about anyone else but i set my computer so that it autosaves on my thumbdrive [rufus is it's name] every 2 minutes. and at the time of the big crash, i was staring blankly at the screen because i'd already finished entering everything i had to. since we couldn't do any work and we didn't have any research going on at the time, a lot of us got sent home. i was beyond excited about that. luckily, Jess [Jay's sister] was done with classes for the day, so she took me to Jay's work so I could get the car [and a really nice kiss and a butt squeeze]. i was a little sad he couldn't leave and come home with me, but no biggie. see, i'm getting better. =)

when i got home, i checked rufus and he's in good shape. everything seems to be the way it should. i wanted to take a nap but didn't have the time to spare since i had to drive back to the city to pick up Jay.

did i complain a lot about the commute when we were in school? i don't think it was as bad then because we could get to campus and have a little time to spare and not RUSH. i cannot stand feeling rushed and it's like that every single morning and i know i cussed the entire time i was driving to get Jay this evening. traffic is beyond ridiculous. it's unacceptable. at this point, where Jay decides to go to grad school doesn't even matter. it does, but not at this very moment. whether or not we stay in Tennessee, and as much as i love this place we call home, we have to move closer to work and soon.

moving on.....

i'm VERY VERY VERY excited about this weekend. Jay has some secret special plans for us. i have no idea what it is. he only told me we're going straight to our destination right after work tomorrow, and to pack clothes for the weekend and work clothes for monday because we won't be coming back home until monday evening after work. Jess has a spare key so she's gonna come check up on the house and feed the dog and take her out and all that jazz. he didn't even tell her because she and i take all the time and Jess tells me EVERYTHING. [i know stuff he doesn't know, but don't tell him that ;)]

i don't know if we're staying local or going out of town. he locked me out of our bedroom when he was packing so i don't know what i should pack. of course, i absolutely love that he's done all this and obviously meticulously planned everything. i'm thrilled to pieces that he even thought to make this weekend about nothing but us. but y'all know i'm nosy as hell. i need to know what the hell is going on! i'm taking my laptop with me because i must check my email a thousand times a day, so hopefully i'll have an internet connection to get a little update in.

so, that's all going on with me. some days are great, some are horrible. i feel like the luckiest girl in the world to have Jay in my life. he keeps me alive. at the same time, there are so many things i wish i had the power to change to make things a little better for the both of us. i miss my baby girl more and more every day and wish so badly i could've been a better mommy and gave her the life she deserved. that loss is something neither Jay nor i will ever accept, but we are slowly but surely picking up the pieces and moving forward with our lives.

until i blog again,

cyber *hugs&smooches* to you all Y'ALL!
live.love.learn.
lessthan3

Labels: my love, so random, this is who i am, weekend stuff, work stuff

--i refused to spellcheck @ 8:08 PM | |

i wish i didn't miss being pregnant as much as i do....

Labels: baby business, so random

--i refused to spellcheck @ 1:31 AM | |

i spent a lot of time this weekend thinking about myself and how i became such a mess over this boy who likes to fart and shove my head under the covers.

i blame my parents, a shitty childhood, and him for always trying to be my superman.......cause i never take the blame for anything.


i don't remember ever feeling loved by my parents as a child. i always felt like i was a burden to them because i was the most different from their other kids and they kinda just provided for me because they had to by law. i never had an emotional attachment or bond to either of them as a child. i knew they liked me sometimes, but i never knew if they loved and cared about me because i never heard it and felt like they really meant it. i admired my mom's beauty, but resented her for being weak in every sense of the word. i appreciated my dad for taking care of us financially, but always hated him for the way he treated my mom and made us kids fear him. the way he would constantly yell, especially when he was beating my mom, is the very reason i don't yell and rarely raise my voice, and simply shut down whenever a man anywhere near me yells in a confrontational manner.

it wasn't until a year after i'd moved away for college and finally had my own apartment that my mom and i began forming some sort of mother-daughter relationship. obviously, it wasn't too solid since she hasn't talked to me in a week because i like the fart she's dating. and we all know the deal with the sperm donor. as an adult, i honestly believe my parents failed me.

in the midst of all the chaos i've experienced, the only person who's been there for me through it all is Jay. we've been to hell and back a few times together.

judging by the way i am now, you wouldn't know the first year and a half we were together i was less attached to him than he was to me. for the longest time, all i wanted was to be with him. i've always known he and i are supposed to be together. i don't know why; i just know it. when we were finally together, it scared the shit out of me. it was so easy for me to love him, but so difficult to let him love me. not knowing what it felt like to be loved, my biggest fear was to finally know it and relish it and then have it taken away. i was so far from the clingy, blubbering mess of a person i am now. there was some dependency there, but nowhere near the level it is now.

the turning point was not that long. fall 2005. there was a storm in the middle of the night. we were both asleep when there was this loud, intense roll of thunder that woke and scared me into paralysis. i didn't even think he had heard it because he sleeps like a log, but he instantly pulled me closer to him and whispered "it's okay. i'm here, baby."

it was after that night, i began to let go of all the things from the past that had helped me put up all the walls i'd built.

i'm so goddamn maniacal about him because he's all i have and i want to protect what we have no matter how desperate, obsessive, insecure or just plain stupid the way i go about doing it makes me look.

i really like his face.

Labels: my love, this is who i am

--i refused to spellcheck @ 1:12 AM | |