so, my birthday is tomorrow. i'll be 22 years old. i'm not really excited about it. i don't care that i'm another year older; it's not a big deal. but i feel like i should be somewhat excited about it being my birthday.

last year, it was so different-- turning 21, about to graduate from a prestigious university, scared/excited/anticipating having a baby/being a mommy. i sat here re-reading some old posts from that time and it made me cry; i really miss that time all of that stuff.

this year, it's just all kinds of bleh. simply another day; nothing special.

my last day of work went fairly smoothly. J's sister treated me to a pre-birthday lunch since she's gonna be out of town this weekend. she's all kinds of sweetness. she's stressing out about her upcoming finals so i'm gonna make her a little care package to have while she's holed up in her dorm studying next week.

i'm missing my pap bear like crazy, but what can i do but deal with it? he leaves me the cutest voicemails whenever i miss his calls and i just adore those random "i miss you" texts he sends me. that man puts a smile on my face like no one else can. i can't wait til he comes home. i hate sleeping in an empty bed. =(

no birthday plans. tonight, i'm gonna take a nice, long bubble bath, have some wine, and watch a movie or two. hopefully, i'll get to talk to papa bear for a while. tomorrow, i'll probably just clean the house, put up the christmas tree, and wrap some gifts. pitiful birthday, ain't it?

Labels: my love, this is who i am, weekend stuff, work stuff

--i refused to spellcheck @ 7:06 PM | |

*via crackberry*
i'm at work. doing nothing but counting down the minutes til i get to leave and go home. so glad tomorrow is my last day here. i'm gonna miss that cute boy who always cheers me up when this place gets alls kinds of crazy. he's probably the only person i'll stick talk to after i'm long gone. he likes my cookies. =)

i'm really sad i won't see Jay for the next 5 days. he's so cute-- he really hates it when i cry, so last night i cried so much that he started crying. but don't tell him i told you that.

i gotta find somebody to sleep next to until he gets back. AND celebrate my birthday with since the only person i wanna spend my birthday with won't be here. i sound like a brat, don't i? i don't care. i deserve to be showered with attention and affection and gifts from him on my goddamn birthday. i'm so gonna have a bitch fit when he calls tonight.
--i refused to spellcheck @ 3:52 PM | |

howdy, y'all! did ya have a nice thanksgiving? mine was okay. i feel like whenever i go home, i'm just reminded of how much i don't fit in and how it's really not "home" at all. i love my family to death, but we do not get along; we just don't like one another.

however, my little lovebugs-- my niece and nephew-- pretty much trump all. even Jay has to take a backseat to them. my niece is becoming more and more like me, and that's not really a good thing anymore. honeychild has a mouth on her like no other; just all kinds attitude. she's still my baby though. and i'm getting really sick of these damn babydolls she asks for every christmas. last year was baby alive and now it's a chou chou doll. it took me forever to find that damn baby alive doll, and this year i had to fight a bitch* over the chou chou. too much!

and my nephew, my little fat-fat, is just too cute for words. he's gonna have the girls going crazy when he gets older. i miss his little wet kisses and his randomly playing hide-and-seek, then screaming my name for me to find him. i don't miss him yanking my earrings though. those terrible two's are no joke.

i think i liked this thanksgiving a lot more previous ones though. usually, it's our entire extended family gathered at one house. this year, it was just us. less people to argue with and cuss out. i think Jay felt a little conflicted because he had a better time with my family than with his own. i'm starting to think there really is no solution to that problem.

all in all, it was a pretty decent holiday. i got to spend it with the people i love and as much as i can't stand my family, i am truly thankful and grateful that they are my family. besides the osbournes, i don't know many families whose dinner conversation consists of "shut the fuck up and pass the potatoes", "dude, did you fart?", and "capone [one of the dogs] is humping the pillow again". as dysfunctional as we are, it works for us; i wouldn't have it any other way. plus, homemade mac-n-cheese and deep fried turkey? no way in hell was i gonna miss that.

i'm glad to be back at my home now.




*i will never ever go shopping on black friday ever again. never again. never ever again. no ma'am.

Labels: this is who i am

--i refused to spellcheck @ 2:05 PM | |

hi lovelies! how ya been? i'm not so great. not bad, but not great either. just kinda 'eh'.

i had a really nice time with my girlies and gays while Jay was gone. we painted our toes and did each other's hair and talked about sex and giggled like little girls. i can't lie though, i missed my hubby. the only time i really got to talk to him was friday night when he got back to his hotel and he did not sound happy. i was really perplexed by this because he was all excited the night before and couldn't wait to leave [me]. but then he told me why he wasn't very happy and that didn't make me very happy.

you know how in some movies there are those savvy businessmen with the perfect wife and the perfect kids and the perfect job, but nothing is really what it seems? yeah...that's kind of what Jay experienced on his little trip. he's probably not gonna be very happy with me for writing this here, but oh wells.

most of the guys he works with are either married with kids or in a serious relationship. i've met some of the wives and girlfriends. nice gals. not my kind of people, but nice. all the men seemed to be very loyal and dedicated to their significant others, but that is actually not the case.

hookers, booze, and drugs. oh my!

i knew some of these guys liked to *party*, but i didn't know about the whole cheating on the wives with the hookers part. i kinda suspected it [the cheating], but i didn't really think it was true. i definitely didn't think hookers were involved. and my poor baby was just so shocked and appalled he didn't know what to do. he did the right thing by going back to his room and calling me cause i'd kill him if he did otherwise, but i felt really bad at the way in which he found out about the *extracurricular activities* of his boss and other coworkers. he was genuinely disappointed with these people's behavior and now he's questioning whether or not these are the kind of people he wants to be associated with or the career path he really wants to follow.

on the one hand, they're professionals when they need to be professional. they're not letting their *fun time* get in the way of their jobs. but on the other hand, what they do in their free time shows a lot about their character and the fact that they encouraged Jay to participate in the same activities gets a big "UH-UH!! HELL NAW!!" he's very conflicted with the whole thing and i don't have any objective words of advice for him.

it sucks dick for pennies. the logical thing would be for him to not associate himself with them outside of work, but that's obviously not possible when some of his work involves traveling and overnight stays elsewhere. and if he isolates himself from the rest of them, that could definitely impact the type of deals and promotions he gets in the future. idontknowidontknowidontknow.

we leave for mem.phis tomorrow morning, so i'm hoping this holiday will give him time to clear his head and get advice from others to help sort out this dilemma.

you know how we have this little teeter-totter with him going to grad school on one end and working full time on the other? grad school is looking a lot better at this point. again, i don't know. we go back and forth everyday. and i feel like i'm not doing enough to help him make a decision. of course, it is his decision. i just feel like i'm not doing enough to make the decision easier for him. does that make sense?

err. i had some other stuff i wanted to whine/blog about, but i think i'll just end it with this.

i hope y'all have a great thanksgiving. if you're traveling, be safe. don't say the word 'bomb' on an airplane.

hug&kisses

love,
me
--i refused to spellcheck @ 8:50 PM | |

i did really well seeing him off at the airport this morning. i didn't pout or stomp or whine until after he got on the plane. well, i did pout beforehand, but he thought it was cute and gave me kisses. but still, i saved the stomping and whining and a little screaming until i got in the car and drove to work.

i thought i'd mentally prepared myself for this little separation, but i was wrong. so very, very wrong. it's all his fault though. i was fine all day yesterday, even packing for him. then last night
while we were lying in bed cuddling and snuggling, he held me really close and tight and whispered in my ear, "i miss you and i haven't even left yet."

BASTARD!

ever since, i've been a mess. i know it's only a day and a half, but i start to die a little when i'm away from him for more than 5 minutes. i am having a slumber party tonight so that'll keep me distracted. or not. i'm just gonna talk about Jay all night. are you shocked?

i have 2 new favorite songs i've listened to everyday for like the past month and a half.

1) close my eyes - backstreet boys. i was not lying when i said i was a fangirl.
2) like i'll never see you again - alicia keys. i cry everytime i listen to it. it's Jay's fave song on her new album. however, i find the video to be a bit over the top. it's good nookie music, though.

i should probably start setting out food now. grrr.

i miss my papa bear. =(

Labels: my love, weekend stuff

--i refused to spellcheck @ 6:29 PM | |

it's happening.

i'm becoming the wifey of a businessman.

this weekend he has to go to chicago for a meeting to close a deal. this one doesn't bother me so much because i've known about it long enough to prepare for it. i even planned a slumber party with my girls and gays. i was/am actually looking forward to it because i don't hang out with my friends that often anymore for a number of reasons and it would be nice to catch up with everyone. shopping, hellloooo!!!

then, i was all happy because we had the thanksgiving talk and it went really well. even though he and his folks still aren't quite talking, he's gonna do thanksgiving breakfast with them per his little sister's request and spend the rest of the time with me and my family. *smiley face*

and then all this shit starts to happen

last night, he didn't leave work until almost 11 because of some major catastrophe just a few hours before something needed to be submitted. oh, i was not happy. i had the car so i had to go pick him up after i left work only to spend another 3 hours at his job with him telling me "it won't be that much longer" when we had dinner reservations, my feet were killing me, and i was hungry as fuck. when it was obvious he wasn't leaving anytime soon, i went back to campus and hung out at his sister's dorm with her and intensely weird roommate of hers for another 2 hours. i know it's his job and it's his ass on the line, but when work interferes with our personal lives, i have a problem with it.

this evening, when we got home from work, he laced me with OH-SO WONDERFUL!!! news: instead of having a *special* night out for my birthday, he will be in Detroit for another meeting with some big wigs to land another deal.

i think he was expecting me to hit him or yell at him because he had all that time in the car to tell me but he waited until we got home and he could get a significant amount of open space between us. and he had that stupid fake smile on his face that i absolutely abhor-- it's like, 'hi, i know you're gonna be really mad when you hear this, but if i smile and act like i'm not twisting a knife in your fragile little heart, it won't be as bad.' i was just a little shocked to learn i was gonna have 2 consecutive miserable birthdays, so all i could do was just look at him and walk away. i cried a little. but i'm a girl; crying is what i do best. i'm not really mad at him, but i'm definitely upset with the situation. this is exactly what i was afraid of and now it's all starting to happen.


[insert all kinds of profanity here]

Labels: my love, work stuff

--i refused to spellcheck @ 9:25 PM | |

i think i forgot how to blog. this used to be really easy for me, but now, not so much.

i've been wanting to quit my job pretty much since the day i started. it's made me all kinds of miserable. Jay has been telling me not to because i'm not a quitter and he doesn't like quitters, but fuck that. he loves his job and doesn't have to deal with the shit i have to. i should not dread going to work every. single. day. the money's nice, but it's not like i need it. this job was just to keep me busy and kill some time. and i figured since i'd had experience working in one lab and loved it, one in a closely-related area couldn't be that much different. i don't think i could've been more wrong. and i'm sooooooo fucking over it. i've put in my 2 weeks notice, although i don't think they deserve that courtesy, and after that, i'm out of that place.

i have a birthday coming up. i'm kinda excited but not really. i just recently realized how much i DON'T look forward to "special days" anymore. i don't really know how to explain it, but i haven't been able to fully enjoy anything since losing Z. i don't wanna discuss it any more than that, but that's pretty much the gist of it.

despite having a job that sucks dick for pennies and the never-ending pains that comes from losing a child, i'm actually very happy. probably hard to believe given what i just wrote a few seconds ago, but i am. i don't remember a time where Jay and i got along as well as we do now. it's another one of those indescribable things. i honestly have no words for it. as an individual, i'm forever a tortured soul. with him, i'm alive and happy.

Labels: so random, work stuff

--i refused to spellcheck @ 2:27 PM | |

you know what that means?

the holiday shopping commercialization of christmas is here.

halloween day, i did a quick run to walmart to get more candy for the kids. do you know what i saw as i walked in the entrance? those motherfuckers putting up christmas trees.

CHRISTMAS TREES!!!

halloween wasn't even over yet! can i at least get through thanksgiving before people start shoving christmas crap at me? fuckfaces.

we had a really nice halloween though. Jay put together all the little goodie bags and handed out the candy. i would have done it myself but i didn't wanna spread my germs. and i didn't cry when i saw all the cute little kids in their cute little costumes.

i don't think those first few kids who came by are never coming to our house again. we left the big door open so that people could see we were home and had candy. the first time the doorbell rang, the dog started howling. then she ran and slammed her body into the glass door and started scratching to get out like she was fucking possessed. one kid was crying, another was screaming "i don't wanna go mommy! i don't wanna go!" the other kids just ran. it was not pretty....but very funny.

it was relatively early when people stopped coming by, so Jay took me to see Saw 4. i was kinda hoping it would suck since i heard 5 & 6 are in the works and are based on the events of 4, but it didn't. i'm officially on the countdown for saw 5.

**

now that halloween is officially over, Jay and i are gonna have that "where are we going for the holidays?" talk. i already know i'm going to my mom's for thanksgiving no matter what. but i know if Jay wants to be with his family, he's gonna ask me to go with him and i'm gonna cuss him out for even letting that thought---me being with his family--- enter his mind and we're gonna have a big fight about it. it sucks. i don't want it to be that way, but it is. and i'm not at a point where i can be around them and not get angry. it's hard for me to forgive when i can't forget. they can bite me. i'd rather not spend thanksgiving without Jay, but i'm preparing myself for it.

**

i have to go back to work tomorrow. i don't wanna.

go colts!!

Labels: so random

--i refused to spellcheck @ 11:23 AM | |