i've been debating whether or not to blog about my pregnancy. i think i will just because i'm gonna be so consumed with it, it'll be difficult not to. the new baby news has a been very bittersweet for me. i'm not so stressed out this time around, but i do feel a bit overwhelmed with emotion. we'd been trying for several months to get pregnant, so of course i'm excited and can't for all the pregnancy milestones to come.

i took a home pregnancy test just a few nights ago after having a few, but consistent physical symptoms. at exactly12:23AM on march 9-- the exact time and day of Zoe's birth a year ago-- i got those 2 little pink signs that [and couple follow-ups just to be sure] Jay and i had been trying for months to produce. while finding out on that particular day and time made the news allthemore special to Jay, i felt like i somehow cheated Z out of a proper remembrance. i know it sounds odd and maybe it's just the hormones starting to fuck with me, but i feel like i owe that day to Z, but instead it was overshadowed by something else and i feel like i'm a bad mom for letting that happen. i could've slept on my instinct and intuition about being pregnant and waited until the morning to take the test, but i chose that day and time to do it. it makes me feel like an asshole.

on the flip side, things seem to be going well. i've only been a little cranky and only a couple days of morning sickness. no weird cravings yet. we have our first doctor's appointment wednesday. this guy is supposed to be one of the best in the city but we'll see. based on my calculation/guesstimate, i'm about 8 1/2 weeks along and due some time in october. i'm really happy; i think Jay's more excited than i am. so cute. i usually don't bother him at work, but now he calls and texts every other hour to make sure his "little baby and big baby" are okay. i don't really mind it until he calls when i'm trying to sleep. i really don't like being disturbed during a good nap.

keep your fingers crossed for me and hope that i don't screw this one up.
xoxox

Labels: baby business, my love, new baby business, so random, this is who i am