hey there. hi there. hello there.

this week has been ridiculous. between my husband being a douche, cussing out dumb bitches at the gas station, and trying to find a home to raise my kids in, i'm fucking exhausted.

you'll all be happy to know that Jay and i finally made up. he told me he'd never been that mad at me as long as we've known each other and he didn't really know how to deal with me, so that's why he pretty much neglected me for 2 1/2 days. i think he just really wanted to fuck and he knew the only way that would happen is if he admitted to being an asshole and begged for forgiveness. it is really weird not being able to kiss him though.

yesterday was errand day. paid all the bills, went grocery shopping [damn near 4 bucks for a gallon of milk!!!], took clothes to the cleaners, and bought a new vacuum because the old one blew up. literally. sometime during all my errand-running, i stopped to fill up the truck [$107!!!!!!]. the station was a bit busy but everyone was moving in and out fairly quickly so there wasn't a really long wait for a pump. after filling up, i got in the truck and my phone rang, so naturally, i answered it. it was my mom calling to update me on my granddad's surgery [all that bacon grease finally caught up with him but all is well]. so, instead of talking on the phone and driving, i just stayed there talking to my mom. then, some lady behind me starts honking his horn.

oh hell no.

so, i stuck my hand out the window and gave her the finger and kept on talking. i guess the old wench wasn't too happy about that, so she started yelling for me to "move [my] fucking car." so i yelled back, "bitch, you should've left home earlier and got here sooner." then she pulled up to my rear bumper as if her little trinket was gonna do some serious damage to my gas-guzzling SUV. i don't think so, darlin. so, just to piss her off even more, i got out and started wiping the windshield v e r y s l o w l y. well, there were bugs on it the blades couldn't reach. so, she caved and pulled over to a different pump. i win.

the whole house-hunting deal discourages me. we'd found 3 new houses to check out. the first 2 were actually decent but they weren't corner lots and i didn't like how close the neighboring houses were and they had pine trees. i hate pine trees. the 3rd house was perfect. it had almost everything we were looking for and what it lacked were things we could add on later. we were gonna look over our finances this weekend to make sure we could afford it and place a bid on it next week, but the couple decided to pull it off the market for whatever reason. ugh. that should've been my house! I WAS ROBBED!!!

***

i'm feeling very anxious today. i still haven't felt the baby move yet, we have 2 more weeks until my next doctor's visit to find out if it's a boy or a girl, and i've come to the realization that i'm absolutely terrified of having another baby. 40 weeks of pregnancy i can do. labor & delivery is a whole other issue. actually, it's not even the labor. it's having to go through all of those weeks of anticipation, all the stages of labor, get to that moment every mother-to-be lives for only to have the doctor look you in the eye and tell you your baby is dead and there's nothing you can do about it.

when i was in labor with Z, everything went relatively smoothly for me. i was way calmer than i thought i would be. i didn't have an epidural because i thought it would be very selfish and i wanted to be able to fully experience the birth of my baby girl. every time a nurse would come in to check on me, they would be trying to roll me over and i was like "the fuck are you doing?" and they'd say "oh, i'm just checking your epidural" and when i'd tell them i didn't have one, they'd think i was so drugged that i didn't know what i was talking about and insist even more that i turn over to let them "take a peek". so, a few nurses left that hospital with their feelings extremely hurt that day/night. [and later on, i disputed the hospital the hospital bill because there was no fucking way i was paying for "services" i didn't even need. you can't charge somebody for having an epidural check when they didn't having a fucking epidural!] the only time i was really unbearable was when i was having contractions. i would scream and cuss and tell everyone i hated them and make them leave the room. when the contraction was over i would cry because everyone left me alone. in between, i was shuffling around the room, cracking jokes, and trying to bribe people to bring me food because those goddamn ice chips were not cutting it. and after finally getting to meet my little mama and taking her home, the first thing i was gonna do was drink a 2 liter mountain dew.

since that didn't work out quite as planned, i'm scarred for life. traumatized! i really don't know if i wanna do a natural birth when october rolls around. i couldn't handle reliving that day all over again. i would rather have a thousand cesarean scars if it meant that my baby would be born alive and well and not a hair harmed on his/her head. i know that's a long time from now but i think about everything past, present, and future with this pregnancy and compare/contrast it to everything that happened when i was carrying Z.

that doesn't make me crazy, right?

Labels: new baby business, so random, this is who i am

--i refused to spellcheck @ 8:01 PM | |