howdy doo!
sorry for the lack of update-age. i've been busy doing nothing.
no, really, i'm battling a nasty sinus infection. my green snot is so sexy. seriously, be jealous.

i am so stoked about the new season of the tudors. it's one of very few shows Jay and i both love and watch together. we're both huge fans of historical dramas, especially those of English history, so this show just rocks my socks. i cannot count the number of times we've watched season 1 since it ended. i would totally let jonathan rhys meyers stick the tip in; he's a pretty hot piece of ass. i don't mind all the timeline inaccuracies, but i really wish they'd put some brown contacts on Natalie Dormer to portray Anne.

the little peanut seems to be doing fine in there. the morning sickness isn't as terrible as it was when i was pregnant with Z, but it can get pretty exhausting. so far, the only odd craving i've been having is chocolate pudding with graham crackers. i've had to send Jay out on a few late-night taco bell and wendy's runs, but only because i was hungry and didn't wanna cook, not pregnancy-related. he is, however, reaping the benefits of my increased sex drive--leaking nose and all.

things seem to be going a LOT smoother with this pregnancy, so that makes me happy. i still have moments of awkwardness and uncertainty, but i'm trying to stay as mellow as possible and enjoy every little bit of pregnancy; i didn't really do that enough with Z and that's something i really regret. i'm extremely anxious to find out what we're having but that won't be for weeks. bleh.

it's almost 3am so i should probably be getting back to bed and watch some infomercials.

Labels: my love, new baby business, so random, this is who i am

--i refused to spellcheck @ 2:52 AM | |

i've been kinda depressed this week.
depressed by disappointment.
i'm still really disappointed with Jay's lack of reaction to this past weekend's happenings, so rather than call him names and throw stuff at him, i've withdrawn a little. not that withdrawing makes it any better. i expect certain things from him and when he doesn't live up to those expectations, i don't really know what to do but get angry and disappointed.

i've been looking at the wedding pictures we managed to recover and i absolutely hate them. for one, i really do look white. and secondly, they look 10 times after Jay photoshopped them to make them appear "more clear and crisp". he should've just left them as is. ugh.

last night, i found out my sister had a "domestic dispute" with her husband that included him being arrested and spending the night jail. but the most fucked up thing about it, in my opinion, is finding out this wasn't the first time it's happened. my initial reaction was to call some people and have his kneecaps busted. but if she wants to stay with someone who beats her and have her kid go through the same shit we did when we were kids, that's her business. i'm not even going to attempt to help someone who doesn't want my help.

today was a little better since it was my first visit with the new doctor. i really hate filling out those "new patient" forms. why can't they just get all that stuff from my old doctor instead of making me write until my hand falls off? isn't it enough i have sit uncomfortably for 30 minutes because my bladder is about to explode and you assholes won't let me pee AND i'm having to reassure my husband every 5 minutes that it's perfectly okay that i picked another male doctor because he looks at all kinds gineys for a living so it's highly unlikely that he'll take a peek at mine and get a raging boner and molest me? "but what if he sticks his finger up there and he likes it? i've never put my finger in there and then said "no, not today" and walked away."

who gives a fuck? i have to pee!

anyhoos, all is well with the little one. new doctor is actually pretty fucking hot. but he's married. and his hair never moved.

since i won't the sex of the baby for a while, i'm calling him/her "peanut" cause that's what s/he looked like on the sonogram- a tiny little peanut. my little peanut. as cute and sweet as it was to see Jay get all emotional, it was also very funny. it's always funny when boys cry.

i'm due on or around october 15th....that seems like forever away. i don't really have any boy names in mind yet. and i don't wanna let Jay pick a boy's name because he'll pick his own name and i really hate the way it's spelled. it's so retarded.

i like Ava for a girl. or Taylor. or Peyton. see, girls are so much easier. i'm open to suggestions, but don't give me a name you plan to name your own kid in the future cause i'm more likely to steal it.

well, i need to go get dinner started.

xoxo

Labels: my love, new baby business, this is who i am

--i refused to spellcheck @ 4:50 PM | |

-i so cannot count. i was off a whole week as to how far along i am. this is week 8. note to self: use a calendar. it helps.

-the baracudas have been calling me NONSTOP. one of them sent me an edible bouquet. it looked so fucking delicious but i threw it away. it's the principle of the matter!

-i am feeling a little insecure about this whole skin color issue. before that, i was actually starting to feel comfortable in my own body. but i feel the need to look darker and wear my hair curly so there is no question about my race/ethnicity. i'm such an idiot.

-my patience for Jay's sister is wearing very thin. i love her, i really do. i just want her to not come over so often. i don't want to see her every. single. day.

-i have this itchy patch of skin on my left forearm. i don't understand why. what did i do wrong?

-i haven't cleaned in like 3 days. i haven't even vacuumed. i think that's a new record for me.

-i've been secretly teaching myself to play guitar. it's a lot harder than it looks. geez.

-my niece was supposed to spend her spring break with me, but my brother decided he wanted her to stay home with him even though she doesn't want to. that really pisses me off.

-i threw up some grapes. looked pretty nasty.

-i've been considering nursing school again. only thing is, i need a couple more undergrad pre-req courses. i don't wanna do undergrad again when i already have a degree. and then there's that whole GRE thing. the GRE can bite me. finally, there's the timing issue. by the timing i'm actually able to start, i probably won't wanna do it anymore.

-Jay is debating whether to go to grad school in chicago, here, or stay at his job. i'm pretty sure he's gonna stick with the job, especially with his contract renewal/negotiation approaching.

-i really like naps. i'm gonna go take one now.

happy st. patty's day. drink for me, please.

Labels: my love, new baby business, so random, this is who i am

--i refused to spellcheck @ 1:20 PM | |

usually, people like to guess what i'm mixed with, as if it's some sort of fun game. as offensive as it is, i'm used to it and i just add them to my 'ignorant dumbass' list.

last night, Jay forced me to go with him to some social gathering AGAIN. whenever we go to these things, i always look for the token black couple cause that means the token black wife is there and even though she's just as brutal as the others, i do a napoleon dynamite-style "yes!" to myself. it sucks being the youngest person, but it sucks even harder to be the only [half] black person. people, i live in the south. shit has changed, but not that much.

anyhoos, when we got to the house, i did my usual quick scan of the place. no black people. fuck me with a broom. and those bitches swooped in right away and pulled me to their side. gawd. why me?
it actually wasn't half-bad until that actor from prison break, Wentworth Miller, was the topic of conversation. they were all gushing about how hot he is and all i had to add to it was "he looks short and i don't go for short guys." seriously, HUGE turn-off for me. then one of them chimed in, "did you know he was part-Black?" that's when i just sat back and waited for it.

"Really?"
"I never would've guessed."
"He doesn't look like it."
"He hides it well."

he hides it well? i'm gonna punch this bitch in her mouth. where the fuck is Jay? i'm gonna hit her. what the fuck does she mean? hides it well?

"And that Jessica Alba. The father of her baby is half-Black."
"I thought he was Hispanic, but now that you mention it, I can see it. I wonder how that kid is gonna look."

oh just shoot me now. somebody, please, take me out now.

"Have any of you ever dated a Black man?"

what the fuck?! i am not sitting here? do these bitches not see me?

"Oh, God no."
"Nope. Never."
"No, i'm not really attracted to Black men but i've always wondered if the myth was true." *giggle*
"I couldn't imagine dating outside my race."

oh hell no. "What's wrong with dating outside your race?!"
"Oh come on, nobody's watching. You don't have to be so PC now."
"Excuse me?"
"It's just better if people stick with their own race. I get embarrassed for the ones I see carrying around those little mixed kids."
"Do you not realize you're talking to a mixed, HALF-BLACK, person?"
*collective gasp*
........
"I didn't know. I-I-I thought you were, you know.....white."

i had to get up and walk away because i knew if i'd sat at that table another second, i would've been pounding that bitch's face against the wall. she deserved it, and under different circumstances i probably would have done it. instead, i kept my cool, found my husband, and made him take me home.

it didn't really end there, though. as soon as we got in the car, "do I look white?"
"What?"
"Do. I. Look. White?"
"Huh? Well...."
"The fuck do you mean "well"."
"Well, you are pretty fair-skinned until you tan or use a tanning thing-bronzer-stuff."
"So, I look white?"
"That's not what I said. Don't be getting all pissed at me. I didn't do anything!"
"They thought I was white. This whole fucking time, they thought I was white."
"Okay?"
"You knew? You knew this whole fucking time?!"
"Stop putting words in my goddamn mouth! I didn't know anything! I just don't see what the big deal is!"
"One, don't fucking yell at me! Two, I don't even wanna talk to you anymore. Just get me home."


i'm really bothered by this. somewhat because i know this isn't an isolated event, this is just the one where someone actually said to my face "i thought you were white". but i'm bothered mostly because it took me back to when i was younger and being around other kids who wouldn't play or socialize with me because i didn't look like them. either i wasn't black enough or i wasn't white enough. i felt awkward with my own family because i thought i was the darkest and didn't think i looked anything like them. i went through this whole phase of self-hate because of that whole experience as a child. even though i got over it and have this on-going fake-battle with my sister about me having "pretty white girl hair", it took a long time for me to get to that point of being able to accept my "white features".

my kids are going to have this whole other family they'll probably never know because they're all bigots and it made me question whether or not Jay would be with me if i did have a much darker skin color. to be honest, i don't have an answer.

and then, there's a whole history of people passing for white just to be accepted and treated like a human being.

it's all just one big disgusting mess of social problems and i hate it. absolutely hate it.

and that asshole better not ever ask me to go to any of those stupid things ever again. they are banned from my group.

Labels: this is who i am

--i refused to spellcheck @ 1:30 PM | |

i've been debating whether or not to blog about my pregnancy. i think i will just because i'm gonna be so consumed with it, it'll be difficult not to. the new baby news has a been very bittersweet for me. i'm not so stressed out this time around, but i do feel a bit overwhelmed with emotion. we'd been trying for several months to get pregnant, so of course i'm excited and can't for all the pregnancy milestones to come.

i took a home pregnancy test just a few nights ago after having a few, but consistent physical symptoms. at exactly12:23AM on march 9-- the exact time and day of Zoe's birth a year ago-- i got those 2 little pink signs that [and couple follow-ups just to be sure] Jay and i had been trying for months to produce. while finding out on that particular day and time made the news allthemore special to Jay, i felt like i somehow cheated Z out of a proper remembrance. i know it sounds odd and maybe it's just the hormones starting to fuck with me, but i feel like i owe that day to Z, but instead it was overshadowed by something else and i feel like i'm a bad mom for letting that happen. i could've slept on my instinct and intuition about being pregnant and waited until the morning to take the test, but i chose that day and time to do it. it makes me feel like an asshole.

on the flip side, things seem to be going well. i've only been a little cranky and only a couple days of morning sickness. no weird cravings yet. we have our first doctor's appointment wednesday. this guy is supposed to be one of the best in the city but we'll see. based on my calculation/guesstimate, i'm about 8 1/2 weeks along and due some time in october. i'm really happy; i think Jay's more excited than i am. so cute. i usually don't bother him at work, but now he calls and texts every other hour to make sure his "little baby and big baby" are okay. i don't really mind it until he calls when i'm trying to sleep. i really don't like being disturbed during a good nap.

keep your fingers crossed for me and hope that i don't screw this one up.
xoxox

Labels: baby business, my love, new baby business, so random, this is who i am

--i refused to spellcheck @ 11:31 AM | |

where, oh, where do i begin? seriously…

what a year 2008 has been so far. such a rollercoaster, but that's the story of my life. i had it in my mind that when this year began, it would be a new chapter in my life-- leave all the bullshit behind & just enjoy the things & people in my life that make it worth living. a new year with my head held high, a cheesy smile on my face, & a little pep in my step. not a new year's resolution, a life's resolution.

while i'm a bit away from that very point, i'm striving to get there. but sometimes it seems no matter how much i put into being a better, much happier person, there is always something out there waiting to kick the life out of me. it's always been so easy for me to be this somber, negative, dark ball of energy, because, honestly, every single happy event in my life has as always been overshadowed by the exact opposite. instead of remembering & cherishing the good & great, i become immersed in all the bad & sad. it's difficult for me to forgive the things i can't forget. if i were a crayon, i'd be a glittery sparkly BEDAZZLED! black.

i think my stubbornness is ultimately what gets the best of me. and i think 60% of the time, i'm being stubborn without even knowing it. my inability to change & adjust to certain situations is proof of that. at the same time, that is one of many flaws that is such a big part of who i am, i'm afraid that if i change, i'll lose a part of me along with it. as fucked up as i am, it is who i am and i don't know how to be any other way.

i'm at such an awkward place in my life and i don't really know what to do about it. it's almost as if i'm having an early onset of a quarter-life crisis. i'm the happiest i've ever been-- i'm married to the most wonderful man in the world, i just found out i'm pregnant-- and something just isn't right about it. i feel like there's something lurking around the corner just waiting for the right time to swoop in and take it all away from me. that's the way it's always been; i'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

i try to tell myself that i can't live like that-- in fear of the worst happening-- but i've yet to be proved wrong. maybe that's all i really want-- to know that my life isn't all gloom and doom & that i can have that happily ever after. not in the fairytale sense, but just to live without so much heartache and pain and with a little peace of mind.

Labels: my love, this is who i am

--i refused to spellcheck @ 1:07 AM | |